Homecoming
I have returned home from a brief trip to Chicago to visit my Gramps. It was the first time I have been away from the kids since we brought them home from Russia, and I was very nervous about it. Especially since the night before I left, as I was tucking Eamon in, he kept saying, "Bye Mama. I will never see you no more." Naturally, this broke my heart. After about the 5th time of him saying this and me reassuring him that I would only be gone for a few days, and would in fact return, I decided to take action. I sat him up on the bed and told him to repeat after me: "Bye Mama. I will see you in a few days." I made him say this about 5 times in a row, and he kind of smiled because he thought it was silly. But, at least he quit saying that he would never see me again. I also clearly marked on the kids’ calendar when I would be coming home so that they could count the days if need be.
I was concerned about this trip mostly because I was unsure as to how the kids would react to me being gone. I called them at least twice a day, and each time, it was difficult to get Vika and Eamon off the phone so I could talk to Jeff. They would say something to the effect of, "But Mama, I want to talk to you some more." So we would talk some more, and eventually, the phone would be handed off to Jeff. However, they seemed to be in good spirits mostly, so I thought that perhaps my concerns were unfounded and that everything would be OK after all.
Yesterday proved that I was right to worry. I returned home Sunday night, and everything was OK. Things went well until Jeff left for work yesterday morning. Then, the atmosphere in the house completely changed. Vika and Eamon began to test me in so many ways and showed defiance over the most benign things. For example, I said, "Lunch is ready!" and Eamon responded by thrusting his chin in the air and snippily saying, "No it's not!" Every time I tried to talk to them it seemed that they treated me rudely. And not just normal kid rudeness, but screaming, spitting and laughing in your face rudeness.
At one point in the day, Vika asked me when she was going to get “a new Mama.” She explained that as she is getting bigger now, it was time for her to get a new Mama. So, I sat down with her and reassured her that I was her “Forever Mama” and was not going to leave her. I understand how she could think this since she was taken away from her birth mother a couple of times and then all of a sudden got this new mama (me). Then I went away for a few days, and she didn’t fully understand that I was coming back. I was really sensitive and empathetic during the discussion, but she totally cut me off and said with her nose in the air, and in a sing-song kind of voice, “But you’re going to die, and then I will have a new Mama.” At this point, I didn’t quite know how to respond, so I simply hugged her and empathized with her underlying fears of losing me and losing the stability in her life.
It was all just so strange! There were numerous incidents like this throughout the day, and by yesterday evening, I had quite lost my patience! Luckily, I had plans to go out to dinner with some friends, so I knew I would have a bit of a break. However, before I left, the kids and I had a long time-in/talk session about how we all got angry with each other during the day and that it was OK to feel angry, but not OK to hit/spit/yell/whatever else occurred yesterday. We all apologized to each other, did a group hug, and then I made my escape!
I returned home last night in time to tuck the kids in for bed, and had a little talk with each of them again. Both Vika and Eamon actually initiated the talk with me, saying that they were sorry for the way they treated me. Eamon said he was scared that when I left I would never come back, which I knew, but it was nice to hear him say it. I’m glad that even though he is just 3, he understood his feelings enough to come up with his own explanation for his behavior. Vika just knew that she was angry with me for leaving, and she wanted to make sure I knew she was angry too.
Yesterday was definitely an eye-opening experience. We had made such strides in the last few months, but my going away seemed to set everything back. I had to do it though. My Gramps is not doing well, and I need to see him while I still have the chance. Plus, after 9 months home, I think that it is a good time for the kids to see that even though Jeff and/or I may have to go away for a little while, we will always come back. I’m going to try and reinforce this message today with the kids, and hope that they are not so angry with me anymore. Understanding the reasons behind their anger definitely helped me have the patience to deal with their outbursts in a positive way. Let’s just hope that they don’t put my patience quite so severely to the test again today!
I was concerned about this trip mostly because I was unsure as to how the kids would react to me being gone. I called them at least twice a day, and each time, it was difficult to get Vika and Eamon off the phone so I could talk to Jeff. They would say something to the effect of, "But Mama, I want to talk to you some more." So we would talk some more, and eventually, the phone would be handed off to Jeff. However, they seemed to be in good spirits mostly, so I thought that perhaps my concerns were unfounded and that everything would be OK after all.
Yesterday proved that I was right to worry. I returned home Sunday night, and everything was OK. Things went well until Jeff left for work yesterday morning. Then, the atmosphere in the house completely changed. Vika and Eamon began to test me in so many ways and showed defiance over the most benign things. For example, I said, "Lunch is ready!" and Eamon responded by thrusting his chin in the air and snippily saying, "No it's not!" Every time I tried to talk to them it seemed that they treated me rudely. And not just normal kid rudeness, but screaming, spitting and laughing in your face rudeness.
At one point in the day, Vika asked me when she was going to get “a new Mama.” She explained that as she is getting bigger now, it was time for her to get a new Mama. So, I sat down with her and reassured her that I was her “Forever Mama” and was not going to leave her. I understand how she could think this since she was taken away from her birth mother a couple of times and then all of a sudden got this new mama (me). Then I went away for a few days, and she didn’t fully understand that I was coming back. I was really sensitive and empathetic during the discussion, but she totally cut me off and said with her nose in the air, and in a sing-song kind of voice, “But you’re going to die, and then I will have a new Mama.” At this point, I didn’t quite know how to respond, so I simply hugged her and empathized with her underlying fears of losing me and losing the stability in her life.
It was all just so strange! There were numerous incidents like this throughout the day, and by yesterday evening, I had quite lost my patience! Luckily, I had plans to go out to dinner with some friends, so I knew I would have a bit of a break. However, before I left, the kids and I had a long time-in/talk session about how we all got angry with each other during the day and that it was OK to feel angry, but not OK to hit/spit/yell/whatever else occurred yesterday. We all apologized to each other, did a group hug, and then I made my escape!
I returned home last night in time to tuck the kids in for bed, and had a little talk with each of them again. Both Vika and Eamon actually initiated the talk with me, saying that they were sorry for the way they treated me. Eamon said he was scared that when I left I would never come back, which I knew, but it was nice to hear him say it. I’m glad that even though he is just 3, he understood his feelings enough to come up with his own explanation for his behavior. Vika just knew that she was angry with me for leaving, and she wanted to make sure I knew she was angry too.
Yesterday was definitely an eye-opening experience. We had made such strides in the last few months, but my going away seemed to set everything back. I had to do it though. My Gramps is not doing well, and I need to see him while I still have the chance. Plus, after 9 months home, I think that it is a good time for the kids to see that even though Jeff and/or I may have to go away for a little while, we will always come back. I’m going to try and reinforce this message today with the kids, and hope that they are not so angry with me anymore. Understanding the reasons behind their anger definitely helped me have the patience to deal with their outbursts in a positive way. Let’s just hope that they don’t put my patience quite so severely to the test again today!
That is really tough, Jenni! I just cannot imagine it. AYE! I know I work with some tough kids at school that I can deal with it because we can communicate and reason it. In your situtation has to be a heck of a battle. You did well handling it. Hang in there! Maybe we can swamp stories later so you can release the situation.
Wow! I guess it can be expected though. It sounds like you handled it extremely well. I agree that it was good that they recognized their feelings, but also knew they were pushing your buttons. Good job.
This was a very important post. I would have thought that all of that time with you they would not be afraid of you disappearing. This has taught me. You did a great job of reassuring them.
That underlying fear just doesn't really go away, does it? Hopefully they've internalized your coming back and that's what they'll remember most from this experience.