Four Feet More

Last year, around Christmas, I wrote a long post about family and the holidays. However, I never published it for fear that certain family members might read the post and become offended. But now, with the holidays drawing near, it is once again on my mind. Also, after nearly a year, I have long since stopped caring if certain family members are offended by my words. Their actions have been far more offensive than anything I could say here.

But first, a little background. Jeff has three older brothers, all of whom live within a half hour of us. Sadly, his parents, who were amazing people, both died during the year before we adopted our kids. It is such a shame that our kids never had the opportunity to get to know them, because I am sure they would have adored each other.

As many of you know, we brought Vika and Eamon home on Christmas Eve of 2005. Generally, we would spend Christmas Eve with Jeff's family, but since we were returning from Russia late that evening, we decided to forgo the tradition that year and planned to get together with the family at a later date to exchange gifts. Christmas Day with my family was wonderful, and everyone welcomed our newest additions with open arms.

During our first weeks home with the kids, my family would call often to see how we were doing and to arrange visits. From Jeff's family there was a deafening silence. They did not call once. Finally, around February, one of his brothers, D, came by with his wife and daughter to exchange Christmas gifts and meet Vika and Eamon. That visit went well, but I noticed that D's family was the only one that gave our children gifts. It seemed that the other two brothers and their families had not thought of our kids at all. This impression was solidified over the course of Vika and Eamon's first year home, during which time, only D saw the kids, and his visits were few and far between. But at least he took an interest, and his wife and daughter came to both kids' birthday parties.

As the holidays began to roll around, Jeff and I thought about doing our own thing for Christmas Eve, rather than getting together with his family. It was the anniversary of the day we brought our kids home, and it seemed strange to spend the holiday with people who had gone an entire year without even calling or trying to meet them. We planned to do a holiday open house for the family instead, the weekend before Christmas. However, D and his wife protested our plans very strongly, claiming that Christmas Eve was "all the family had left." Jeff and I capitulated and agreed to spend Christmas Eve with his family, even though we didn't feel very good about it. The family seemed to be getting together more out of duty or obligation, rather than a sincere joy of each other's company. And after such a long silence from the other two brothers, we were unsure what they thought about our adoption and how our kids would be received among the family.

After Thanksgiving I waited for some notice from the in-laws as to what the plans were for Christmas Eve. I asked D and his wife, and they said nothing had been worked out yet. So, I volunteered to send out an e-mail to the group to see what people were thinking. The response to this inquiry was definitiely not what I anticipated. My SIL, N, who is married to Jeff’s oldest brother, R, sent back a hateful message to the entire family, in which she blasted Jeff and I for trying to put something together for Christmas Eve. She called us hypocritical, said that I was presumptuous to send out the e-mail, and stated that she would certainly not be getting us any gifts this year, or ever. She would, however, get gifts for Vika and Eamon, "as they are just children." I was completely stunned by this attack. N and R did their own thing for Christmas Eve all the time, so her annoyance with us for wanting to do the same was more than a little hypocritical. For her to direct so much venom our way seemed very unfair, especially since she had made no effort to contact us or meet our children over the course of the year. My bitterness about this response led to the blog post I wrote last December, which was up for all of 15 minutes before I deleted it. I knew that if anyone in Jeff's family did read the post, it would only stir the waters even more. With my luck, that would be the ONE time they checked the family blog!

D and M (Jeff’s other brother) both assured us that they did not feel the same way as N, and that they still wanted us there for Christmas Eve. We wanted to do some little thing to honor the fact that it was also the anniversary of our kids' homecoming day, but D and his wife felt that would "not be a good idea." So we went, with Vika and Eamon in tow, to spend the holiday with a family they did not know. M was very nice to the kids, as was his girlfriend and her family. N boycotted the whole event because we were there. Actually, no one missed her much. R showed up though, being his usual surly self, and his interactions with our children were brief and rude. At one point Vika tried to give him some Christmas candy, and he harshly responded, “No! I don’t want any!” Those were the only words he said to our kids all night.

Needless to say, that is an experience we won’t be repeating this year. We are going to go ahead with our original plan of having a holiday open house, to which Jeff’s family will be invited. Over the last year, we have also invited them to our house for numerous family gatherings. D has come to almost all of them, and M came to two. N & R have not come to any.

Strangely enough, when I checked my Kodak Gallery guest-book yesterday, I saw that on October 27th, N viewed all the photo albums I sent her from our trips to Russia and the first few months after we brought the kids home. I have not sent her any recent albums because it was clear that she wanted nothing to do with our family. But, perhaps I was too hasty in that judgment? Maybe if she went in and looked at the albums last week, she is a bit interested after all? Who knows? One thing’s for sure – it will be interesting to see her response to my Holiday Open House invitation! I’ll be sure to keep you all posted. ;)