Suggestions, anyone?
We've been having some vandalism issues with Eamon lately. Nothing too major, but he's taken to writing "E"s all over the house. On walls, furniture, counters... It's been going on for a while, and we've tried everything we can think of to discourage the behavior. The logical consequence is that he has to clean up the "E"s. This consequence we've been very consistent with because it makes the most sense. But, it is obviously not enough. Time-outs, designated "art stations" (complete with chalk board on the wall), loss of TV time and "pencil restriction" have all been tried, and all have failed. Once Eamon wrote with ink on the wall and on the cupboard, and it wouldn't wash off. So, we had to paint over the "E"s, which resulted in an "energy drain" (he drains energy from the family, and has to put it back in, usually by doing some horrid chore). We thought that would put an end to it, but it didn't. In fact, the "E"s got worse. In the last week, Eamon has written on walls, cupboards, our living room table, and worst of all, the top of Jeff's Mac laptop (with ball-point pen, so he scratched the "E" into the shiny, silver surface).
Last night, we had a family meeting about the problem. We talked about ways we could solve it and how to work together to make things better. Vika suggested spanking Eamon for every "E." Jeff and I felt a better approach would be for Eamon to feel the sting of not cooperating with the family and breaking the house rules. If he could not cooperate with us, then we would not feel much like cooperating with him when he wanted a special privilege (like choosing the bedtime story or having some TV time before bed). Vika agreed this was better than spanking, and Eamon was on board too. He really didn't like the idea of us not cooperating with him, and it seemed we had all come to an understanding.
Then I got home from work tonight. Vika looked smug, and Jeff looked tired and angry. I soon found out why. Eamon had written "E"s on various surfaces all around the house. On the kitchen counter where Jeff prepares dinner; the toilet seat and walls in my bathroom; the cupboards in the kitchen and the hallway; and worst, on the forehead of Vika's favorite doll. We later found that he had drawn "E"s on Vika's stuffed Hello Kitty (that she sleeps with), and the heads of two other dolls as well. He strategically put "E"s is places where he knew we would find them. Clearly, this was a cry for attention, and the problem is more serious than we thought.
So, while Eamon cleaned up each "E" in the house, Jeff and I talked about what to do. Unfortunately, we're at a loss for solutions. We've cut back his hours at preschool so that he can spend more time with the family; we do fun, together activities every weekend; we eat breakfast and dinner together at the table and talk about our day... it's not as if the boy is neglected. I know me going back to work has been hard on him, but there's really no solution for that. I need to bring in income right now, so off to work I go.
Has anyone out there encountered such a persistent vandalism problem? If so, how did you solve it? Any and all suggestions are welcome.
Last night, we had a family meeting about the problem. We talked about ways we could solve it and how to work together to make things better. Vika suggested spanking Eamon for every "E." Jeff and I felt a better approach would be for Eamon to feel the sting of not cooperating with the family and breaking the house rules. If he could not cooperate with us, then we would not feel much like cooperating with him when he wanted a special privilege (like choosing the bedtime story or having some TV time before bed). Vika agreed this was better than spanking, and Eamon was on board too. He really didn't like the idea of us not cooperating with him, and it seemed we had all come to an understanding.
Then I got home from work tonight. Vika looked smug, and Jeff looked tired and angry. I soon found out why. Eamon had written "E"s on various surfaces all around the house. On the kitchen counter where Jeff prepares dinner; the toilet seat and walls in my bathroom; the cupboards in the kitchen and the hallway; and worst, on the forehead of Vika's favorite doll. We later found that he had drawn "E"s on Vika's stuffed Hello Kitty (that she sleeps with), and the heads of two other dolls as well. He strategically put "E"s is places where he knew we would find them. Clearly, this was a cry for attention, and the problem is more serious than we thought.
So, while Eamon cleaned up each "E" in the house, Jeff and I talked about what to do. Unfortunately, we're at a loss for solutions. We've cut back his hours at preschool so that he can spend more time with the family; we do fun, together activities every weekend; we eat breakfast and dinner together at the table and talk about our day... it's not as if the boy is neglected. I know me going back to work has been hard on him, but there's really no solution for that. I need to bring in income right now, so off to work I go.
Has anyone out there encountered such a persistent vandalism problem? If so, how did you solve it? Any and all suggestions are welcome.
Okay stab in the dark...
Maybe he is trying to "claim" property.
Yeah, it's odd but??
The first thing Liz and I thought about was maybe it relates to Russia. Like items that were his they would put an E on it.
Like I said, stab in the dark!
All I can really say is good luck and we feel your pain!
:)
{{{HUGS}}}}}
How about a supply of (easily removable) "E" stickers. Make a game of finding them when you get your free time to help feed the attention craving.
I like James' idea. That's a good one. I'd definitely try that. But if there's an anger beneath his issue, the sticker just may not do it justice. Slugger doesn't write on things, but he rips things up. We've been working on saying "I feel." Sometimes he can do it, sometimes not, but he's starting to learn that it's OK. I keep reminding Slugger that it's OK to be frustrated, or scared, or mad. Those are feelings and feelings are always OK. But it's not OK to destroy things. Usually Slugger can't put a feeling word to his emotion (he's not emotionally mature enough yet to be that self aware). But, he does tell me "I feel like ripping up my homework!"
Maybe you could work on Eamon telling you or Jeff when he feels like writing E's. Then you could have special holding time or a special hug or something. Maybe even come up with a tricky handshake (boys love that).
If he can learn to announce the behavior before it starts (and get a reward for doing so) maybe it will help you and Jeff see the emotion/feeling that's at the root of it. It's pretty hard to know the communicative intent after the behavior is all done.
I'm so sorry. I can tell you that I did go through a time when one of my boys (I can't remember which one) had a write-on-everything (including walls, tables, furniture, etc.)issue. We had to completely get rid of every writing tool in the house. They were out of reach of all the kids for a long time. If we wanted to use a writing tool we would get it down, use it and put it right away when we were finished with it. It was hard at first, but it became a habit. Eventually he grew out of it.
Hi. I'm delurking for this one. We adopted our two sons from Ukraine in March 2005. They were 3.5 and 5.25 then. They had spent two years in the orphanage system. About 1-1.5 years post-adoption, our older son started displaying various behaviours that were highly repetitive. They ran the continuum from very irritating (constant interrupting (age 6.5) when he had already learned and mastered not doing so) to just blatantly wrong and extremely worrisome (stealing treats from classmates' lunchkits). Not all the behaviours emerged all at once. It sort of became this escalating situation. We tried all sorts of parenting/disciplining strategies -- to no avail, other than this kid became the attention sucker of the family, with our other son always sort of off on the periphery having to hear "just a minute B, we're talking to P right now." We then saw a family counselor who diagnosed our son as showing a degree of attachment disorder. Naturally, we were alarmed. We felt we'd done everything possible to avoid this, and also felt that we had not seen any signs of attachment disorder in our son. But, once we got over our initial shock and resentment, we started reading and really changed up the parenting techniques with this boy. The psychologist stressed that we had to view his brain has having "tracks" that sent a continuous message of "adults can't be relied on." His behaviours we were supposed to view as being aimed at testing us and proving us unreliable. She was not at all surprised that the behaviours had emerged -- seemingly out of the blue -- around the 1-1.5 year mark. She said our job was to react so consistently that his brain would form new "tracks" that play a different message. Basically, she recommended "consistent positive regard" (which we would have sworn we were already doing) combined with extremely consistent boundary setting. That, and time. We also researched, and I found that parents in similar situations did the opposite of what these behaviours make you want to do. You want to consequence the behaviour somehow. But what it seemed the successful parents did was "consequence" the behaviour with something like a sit-on-my-lap "time out" wherein the child has to sit on the parent's lap and gaze into each other's eyes steadily for 5 minutes, or somethign along those lines. In the literature I've seen, this is called a "time in." To me, it sounded completely counterintuitive. Then, you also do some of the normal consequencing, such as removal of privileges to access pens/writing implements. But the "time in" is considered crucial, and usually comes first. Once it ends, you do the normal consequence. Also, the normal consequence should not take a lot of your attention -- so the child is not rewarded with tons of that "negative attention" -- you consequence with as minimal attention as possible. The "time in", of course, is given lots of attention. With the "time in", you can progress to what slugger's mom does with respect to getting the child to express his feelings -- a crucial aspect of this is that the child must be required to make steady eye contact while expressing his feelings. In our experience, this was extremely difficult and emotional for our son initially, and has become more comfortable for him over time. The literature says that is becuase the child with these sort of "tracks" in his brain resists getting deeply intimate because it sends him to a space that challenges that message that the unhealthy tracks play. Finally, give the child lots of positive attention every time the child does desired behaviours. The idea is that the negative behaviours are designed to elicit negative attention that the "tracks" in the child's brain lead him/her to crave -- leading to an adult reaction which is comfortable to a child who subconsciously believes that adults cannot be relied on for security/safety/etc. (I am not explaining it very well, as it is so different from how you expect a child's psychology to work.) We have been using strategies like this for about a year now, and it has worked wonders. Our son has settled in a way that I didn't even realize we were missing. (I would have said he was very well adjusted and settled before, but now it's a world different.) We apply the same strategies to our younger son, so that both kids are treated the same, even though the younger one didn't show any attachment issues (said the psychologist). I figure we still have another couple years of laying down new tracks in our son's brain, but we're well on the way, and the strategies have mostly become habits for us by now. It is all iterative. We see our son make big progress, and then we periodically experience minor relapses. Sometimes our parenting practices relapse as well. But the relapses on all parties' parts are small compared to the progress. Sorry for the long post. I don't know whether it is centrally relevant to your situation since I do not know E and V first hand, but thought I'd share just in case.
Some good ideas here. Or you could change his name to something that starts with a letter he doesn't know how to write! I'm sure you'll come up with something and this phase, too, shall pass.
One more thing, have you talked with his teacher? Maybe something is going on at school that is helping to create this situation. Some change there that makes him feel threatened or ignored. It's worth asking about.
I vote remove all writing implements from his reach. I had to do this with Oleg when he did the same thing. Wrote on the couch, windows, window sill, TV. Everything. I still keep most crayons and markers up.
Better yet, maybe only let him have Color Wonder markers that only write on the special paper. He can color away on the walls with no marks. We also have a water mat. You fill the pen with water and it only writes on the special mat. I get puddles on my hardwoods when he unscrews the cap, but no marker on the walls.
I did this as a kid. Taking the wood file and putting my name in the banister, the antique buffet table my mom had, my sister & then saying that she did it to get me in trouble....I am sending you an e-mail.
I wish I had advice for you, but I dont' hopefully someone elses advice will make an impression on him. Hugs.
Uhm...isn't the "E" silent in Eamon? I think so. So you should just tell him he's wasting his time with all this vandalism.
I have no good corrective actions here, but squirting Daphne with water keeps her from doing bad things. How about litterbox duty every time he does this?
I do hope you can come up with something. I can't imagine dealing with this. Do they still make Colorforms? They're not as sticky as actual stickers. Just a thought.
I have no advice but totally interested in hearing the feedback on this one. Discipline seems to be a very confusing topic for adoptive children. Everyone has different advice - and though you don't want to have to treat your child different than a biological child... sometimes you have to.
Hope you find something that works. This sounds very frustrating! :)