Tricky Information
OK internets, I need some help. I'm in the process of updating the kids' lifebooks with the information we received from the birth family search. However, I'm stumped on how to handle some of the less-than-savory bits of the birth family's past. Without getting into too much detail, let me just say that the history includes alcohol and drug use, prison time, and assault. Among other things.
So, here's my dilemma: how do I present this info in an age-appropriate way for the kids' lifebooks? Should I just say, "so-and-so did some things that were against the law and had to go to jail?" I don't think I should be terribly specific about the nature of the misdeeds because the kids are too young to understand (plus, they don't really need to know all the specifics right now anyway). But, I do want to be as honest as possible, so the kids don't idealize the lives of their Russian family.
Has anyone else faced this problem? If so, how did you deal with it? If you would prefer to e-mail me privately, that is fine too. A link to my e-mail is on my profile page.
So, here's my dilemma: how do I present this info in an age-appropriate way for the kids' lifebooks? Should I just say, "so-and-so did some things that were against the law and had to go to jail?" I don't think I should be terribly specific about the nature of the misdeeds because the kids are too young to understand (plus, they don't really need to know all the specifics right now anyway). But, I do want to be as honest as possible, so the kids don't idealize the lives of their Russian family.
Has anyone else faced this problem? If so, how did you deal with it? If you would prefer to e-mail me privately, that is fine too. A link to my e-mail is on my profile page.
Oh yeah. Slugger knows that his mom did drugs and drank. He knows that his dad was in jail. He knows all sorts of facts like that, but I don't give him the nitty-gritty details. Right now he doesn't ask -- I'm sure he will when he gets older.
I suggest you enter it very matter of factly (the sentence you wrote was good). Don't villify them, don't make any judgements at all, just state the bare bones facts. And keep the gory details out of it.
I remembered reading somewhere that someone made a few extra pages for the life book that were saved and later inserted into the book when the kid was older. Maybe you can do that, and for now stick with a more general statement like they weren't able to take care of her properly? Just a thought. I'm not sure telling them about jail and drugs at this age will help them at all. Just my opinion.
I see this as a really difficult situation -- we're facing it with our Ukrainian 8 and 6 year olds too. We used to stick with "weren't able to take care of you the way you and all children deserve to be taken care of." But now the 8-year old is old enough to ask "WHY weren't they able to take care of me/us?" This started at least a year ago. We are doling out little bits of information very very frugally and carefully. For example, "your first mama wasn't able to resist drinking too much grown-up drinks. When she did that, her brain could only think about herself and she wasn't able to take care of you properly. It is not because of anything you did." Lately this has led to the question "SHY didn't/couldn't she resist?" "Well, many people struggle with this. Especially when they grew up with difficult lives." Here I start to think we're really burdening our son with this information. I worry that it will lead him into too much worry and concern about his birth family. Any compassionate person would be led to this, but it feels to me like an awful lot for an 8-year old to shoulder. We have also had to address the subject of "why didn't our aunt keep us?" because it was their maternal aunt who temporarily took them and then surrendered them to the social system. The answer is poverty, and we have tried to explain that. We do talk about poverty and social injustice a lot in our family in general anyway, but I worry about the boys having this example so close to their hearts. Again, it's because I worry about them becoming stressed with worry about the birth family. I also don't want them to experience any guilt that they have a materially prosperous life in comparison to their birth family.
So what are my points? First, these are hard truths. Second, I don't think there are any right answers to the questions of how much to tell and at what stages. Third, for the ages V and E are (especially V), you should be ready for a bit of information to start to lead to more questions, and it's those follow-up questions that can get quite tricky.
I have wondered about whether there would have been fewer issues with letting our sons idealize their birth families for awhile and then divulging details to them when they got old enough to realize on their own that if their birth family had been so "ideal" they never would have entered the orphanage system. To me, that seems like it could potentially raise more stresses in our sons than are caused by the bits of information we're doling out. But how can we ever really know?
Good luck, and I hope you'll tell us what you decide on and how it goes.
I do like the idea of completed life book pages that are held in reserve until the right time.
I chose to keep the not-so-nice things out of the lifebook. Instead, I included the information in a separate file. My thinking is that I don't know who he will show this life book to one day and I wanted to give him a comfort zone. If he chooses to present the intimate details of his life in Russia, he can do so in private, or however he sees fit.
Maggie - I completely agree about the matter of fact, non judgmental presentation of the info. I really don't want the kids to think badly of their birth-family.
Starfish - I like the idea of the separate pages to be entered later. Vika already knows about some of the hard elements of her past (she was a witness to it), but she only knows what she was able to process at that very young age.
Annemarie - Surprisingly, I hadn't considered the fact that the kids may want to share their lifebooks at school or with friends. That certainly adds a whole other element to it!
BT - Thanks so much for your input. Vika especially would be concerned and worried for her birth family if she knew some of this stuff. She already is worried about her Russian Mama being in trouble or dying (I assume this is based on what she saw while living with her). It is a huge burden for her to carry on her little shoulders, and I don't want to make it any bigger.
*sigh* This is harder than I thought it would be.
Remind me via email this weekend to send you what we wrote. Unfortunately the book is 2 flights down and I dont have access.
we just put the barebones info in our books and the few pictures we got. I also have extra pages for later for the more intense info and we will deal with that at ages where I think they can grasp it, letting them hear about it at ages 4 and 2 1/2 doesn't seem the best for our situation.
Youknow your kiddos best so you will make the right choice for them.
Best wishes!!
Obviously I don't have any experience with this. But I would think bare minimum at this point would be best. You can fill in details down the road. Even talking about jail may be a bit much (especially if they share the book with anyone). When they're older, they will be better able to understand the information and put it in perspective - both in what it means and how it relates to them as people. Let them be kids as long as possible.