Four Feet More

Many of you have seen the news that Sandra Bullock adopted an African American baby boy, and is going to proceed with the adoption as a single mother.  To this I say, "You GO girl!"  However, from other people I am hearing far different words.  Words like, "Why did she adopt an African American child instead of a white one?"

This is a bit of a sore spot with me, and I'll tell you why.  When we adopted our kids, I was asked on more than one occasion why I chose to adopt from Russia instead of adopting an American child in need of a home.  While I know this is slightly different from Bullock's case, it is similar in that other people cast judgment on the children that we chose to adopt.  It shows an ignorance about adoption that I thought I would take a moment to address here.

When I was asked why we adopted from Russia instead of America I always responded that we felt the international adoption process better suited our needs.  We would not have to wait to be chosen by a birthmother to adopt her child, and once the adoption was final, it would be FINAL.  In California, a birthmother can change her mind and take back her child up to 90 days after the adoption.  Then there was the sticky case where a birthfather didn't realize he had a child until the boy, which had been adopted by another family, was around 10 years old (the particulars of the case escape me at the moment).  Because he was the biological father and had not given his consent to the adoption, he had the right to take back that child.  These were risks that our family simply didn't want to take. 

Those are reasons I usually site when asked why we didn't adopt from America.  However, this is how I really want to answer: A child in need of a family is a child in need of a family.  Period.  It doesn't matter where that child is from, they are still entitled to a loving home.

I feel the same way about the comments made regarding the transracial nature of Bullock's adoption.  Is her son any less deserving of a loving mother because he is African American?  It may be true that culturally and emotionally, it would be better for him to be placed in an African American family.  He might feel more secure because his skin is not a different color from his family members, and he may feel a greater connection to the African American community.  However, the sad reality is, there are many more African American children in need of homes than there are African American families waiting to adopt them.   

The same is true of Russia.  There are hundreds of thousands of children in orphanages across the country, but adoption by Russian families is still relatively uncommon.  This trend has changed in recent years, when The Russian government began offering financial incentives to Russian families to adopt, but the fact remains that the majority of children in Russian orphanages will not be adopted.

Another reality is that the majority of children available for domestic adoption are not the white, newborn babies that many people think of when they begin considering adoption.  They are older children in the foster care system.  They are babies born to incarcerated or drug addicted mothers.  They are biracial children and sibling groups.  Don't beleive me?  Go here and check out the photo listings for your state.

Now, I'm not saying that children on the photo listings are not entitled to a loving family, because I firmly believe that they are.  My point is that adoption is not about bringing the youngest, most-like-you child you can find into your family.  It is about bringing a child to LOVE into your family.  And all children deserve to be loved, whether they are African American or white, babies or pre-teens, Russian, Chinese, Ethiopian, or born right here in the U.S. of A.   The race, age and nationality of a child are irrelevant in that child's right to a loving family. 

For those of you out there who have not added to your family through adoption, please remember that it is not all like the movie "Juno" (which I loved, BTW).  The faces of adopted children are as varied and diverse as the families who adopt them.  And that is a beautiful thing.

As a side note to Sandra Bullock, when someone says to you, "Wow.  Your child is so dark.  Does (he) look like (his) father?"  You can respond as I did when presented with this question about Vika a while back: "Nope (he) looks like (his) mother!"  It's fun to see the confusion wash over peoples faces.  ;)

By now, I'm sure many of you have heard about the Tennessee woman who sent her adopted son, Artyem, alone on a plane back to Russia.  As a parent of two children adopted from Russia, I feel compelled to comment on the situation.  From the title of this post, you can probably tell how I feel about this woman's actions.  For those of you who have not adopted children from traumatic backgrounds, there are some important things, which I believe the media is missing, that you need to understand.

First of all, many (if not all) of the children living in orphanages in Russia have experienced abandonment from the people on whom they most depended.  In my kids' case, it was their Russian Mama.  Some, like Eamon, were only abandoned once and at a very young age.  Others, like Vika, were taken back and abandoned by their parent multiple times before finally being placed for adoption (for clarification purposes, Vika and Eamon have the same Russian Mama, but their experiences with her were very different).  When a child loses the care of a parent at a very young age, it can cause them to become distrustful of adults and learn that there is nobody on whom they can depend except themselves.  This lesson serves them well in an orphanage setting; however, it doesn't work so well when they join a family.  If you add neglect and abuse by caregivers into the mix,  you wind up with a very confused child who is distrustful of any adult who tries to take care of him or her.

In Russia, there are many, many orphanages, and they are very crowded.  The last estimate I read was that there are over 700,000 children living in Russian orphanages today.  These kids are regarded as second-class citizens and many Russians believe there is something wrong with them (either something that made their birth-parents not want them or "bad blood" passed on from irresponsible parents).  There are not a lot of Russian families vying to adopt these children.  In fact, once they leave the Baby Home and move into a Child's Home (around the age of 3 or 4), their chances of being placed in a loving family drop dramatically.  In an orphanage, the children live with multiple caregivers who are inconsistent, both in their presence and they way they relate to the children.  My kids have told me stories of being hit with shoes and being locked in dark closets as punishment.  And I believe they were at one of the better orphanages in Russia.

Kids who are adopted often have a hard time adjusting, especially if they are adopted by a family from another country.  When we brought our kids home, they had to leave everything they knew behind.  They flew for hours in a plane to a far away place with strangers who spoke a language they did not understand (we were only allowed to visit them 4 times before the adoption was finalized).  Things sounded and smelled different, the food was different, and they no longer had a bunch of children around them all the time (I've heard the experience described as "being abducted by aliens").  They had to adjust to all these changes, in addition to learning how to be part of a family.

I'm sure it was the same for Artyem.  He was even older when he was adopted, and we don't know what kind of situation he lived in with his birth family or how he was treated at the orphanage.  What is clear is that he had difficulty attaching to his new mom.  He'd only been home for 6 months, and attachment can take a year or longer to occur.  Plus, it seems that his adoptive mother did not ask for help from either her agency or social worker.  She had not taken him in for counseling, and as of January, she reported that everything was fine.  I find myself confused at how all this could happen.  Did the boy say he was going to kill her?  Maybe.  Heck, Eamon has said that to me when he's angry!   Did he play with matches and threaten to burn down the house?  Maybe.  My kids have done and said some pretty scary things too.  Was this mother educated about the many ways attachment disorder can manifest itself, and was she prepared to deal with those issues?  Certainly not.

There are support groups out there for people who have adopted older children who come from traumatic backgrounds.  There are groups specifically designed for people who adopt from Russia and Eastern Europe.  There are plenty of places to seek advice and counseling.  It seems to me that this "mother" gave up on her son too quickly.  I'm not sure what her expectations were, but I've heard many pre-adoptive parents talk about how they just know they will instantly connect with their child and that there will be love between them from the first meeting. They have this fairy tale idea of what it will be like to bring this child into their new home, and many even think the child will be grateful to be adopted by them.  I always cringe when I hear such statements because I know that the prospective parent is most likely in for a huge disappointment.  They are not thinking about this adoption from their future child's perspective and are not considering how what was done to the child in the past will affect how he/she views their future. 

Torry Hansen clearly did not have reasonable expectations for her child, or for herself as a mother.  Would she have treated a biological child so callously?  The fact that she would send a 7 year old child alone on a plane, with him most likely not knowing what would happen when he arrived back in Russia is horrendous.  I can't imagine how scared he must have been or what was going through his head.  I can't understand why she didn't seek to disrupt the adoption in America and try to have him placed in a family better prepared to deal with his needs. It's almost as if she viewed him as damaged goods and wanted to return him to the store!  Her actions only added to the abuse, neglect and abandonment that Artyem has already suffered in his short life.  And she made his attachment to a future family even more difficult.  I hope Torry Hansen is prosecuted to the full extent of the law and that her planned adoption from the Republic of Georgia (yes, she was planning to adopt another child!) is dropped as quickly as she dropped her responsibilities towards her son.

I had this whole post prepared about New Year's resolutions and revelations, and staying connected to family and friends rather than taking them for granted. But reading through it again last night, it smacked a bit of bitterness. I think I'll rework it a bit before posting it here. Or maybe I won't. Maybe it will just languish with all my other draft posts which lost some of their appeal when I went to press the "Publish Post" button.

We'll see.

In other news, we received a bit of a surprise last week in the form of a message from Russia. The kids' Russian Mama sent us New Year's Cards. It wasn't much, but it was enough to let me know that she wants to keep contact with us, which was a huge relief. I was so worried that she might just ignore our last letter, which was sent nearly 6 months ago, or that future contact might be too painful for her. I was also concerned that she might have moved since I dragged my feet so long in writing to her. But now we have a current address to work with and a sign that connection with our family is not unwelcome.

I'm not sure how to respond to these cards though. They were basically holiday cards with brief notes written inside (we're having them translated), and didn't answer any of the questions I posed in my letter. I guess, rather than ask more questions, I'll just send an update on how the kids are doing with some additional pictures. Although I might sneak a little request in there for birth father pictures, if I can find a tactful way to do it. This whole thing is tricky - I desperately want information, but don't want to offend or seem too pushy. Any suggestions or input from those of you who have contact with birth families would be appreciated!

November is National Adoption Awareness Month, and to honor families that have come together through adoption, Elle (of Sweet Hope fame) has invited several of us to be guest posters on her blog. My post is up today (click here to read it). Another adoptive parent, Suzanne, (a wonderful mother whom I wish I was more like!) also wrote a post, which you can read here.

Elle will be featuring guest posts all month long, so check her blog, Life of Elle, regularly to read others' stories of adoption.

Four years ago today, we first met Vika and Eamon at their orphanages in Murmansk, Russia. Metcha' Day is a big deal in our home. Every year we hold a Metcha' Day feast, where we share Russian dishes with family and watch the video from our first trip to Russia. And each year I marvel at how much the kids have grown and relive some of the emotions going through me that November 8th in 2005.

For those of you who are not adoptive parents, Metcha' Day is kind of like the day you gave birth to your child. An adoption labor lasts for months - preparing documents, going through background and psychiatric checks, waiting for a referral, and for some, the disappointment of having to decline or losing a referral. Then there is the trip to Russia, which is both exciting and exhausting. Finally, as you sit in a dingy orphanage waiting room, after a year of "paper pregnancy," your child walks in and you see him/her for the first time. You get to see the way they move and hear their voice. You get to hold and interact with them for the first time and learn how they feel and smell. It is an amazing event that will never, ever be forgotten. After months of waiting and planning and wondering, there your child is, in the flesh, and you know your life will never be the same again.

Here is our music montage video from our first trip to Russia. Most of you have seen this before, but it's kind of become a tradition to re-post it every year. Happy Metcha' Day Vika and Eamon!

As anyone who's ever adopted internationally knows, it can get pretty expensive. Also, if you've visited an orphanage in another country, you have seen the great need of the children living in those facilities. After adopting her own son from Russia, Elle decided to give back by starting Sweet Hope. Every year she makes awesome truffles, which she then sells and donates the proceeds to an adoption-related cause. In the past, she's donated funds to pre-adoptive families who were having difficulty covering their adoption expenses, and last year she put the money toward buying Christmas gifts for children living at an orphanage in Khabarovsk, Russia.

This year, Elle is thinking bigger, and she needs help. Her plan is to do a benefit concert to raise even more funds to donate to orphanages in Russia this Christmas. You can read more about her plans here: Then I go and Get All Super Crazy.

If you would like to help in any way, Elle could use your assistance. It is a truly great cause. Neither Vika nor Eamon had ever received a present before they joined our family (their first full day home was actually Christmas day, and that must have been quite a shock!). Gifts such as warm clothing, books, games and toys are desperately needed in Russian orphanages, and showing the children that someone outside of the orphanage cares for them is a wonderful gift too. Perhaps you can help make Christmas a little brighter this year for a child in need?

For some time, I've been following the adoption journey of Kate, a blogger friend who has been waiting an extraordinarily long time to bring her d2b (daughter-to-be) home. She's often compared her adoption process to the gestation period of an elephant (which is 2 years), however, her "paper pregnancy" has gone on for much longer. Finally an end is in sight, and Kate is getting close to bringing d2b home.

Since Kate lives in Russia and doesn't have any family near by, a couple of blogger friends threw her an online shower this morning. We were supposed to all post a picture of us eating cake to celebrate the shower, but unfortunately, I was down with a wicked dizzy spell, and I'm afraid my nausea would have made the after-effects of eating cake extremely unpleasant.

So, in honor of Kate and her d2b, here is the slice of cake I would have liked to have eaten: Boston Cream Pie.
Doesn't it look scrumptious?

Kate has taken her blog offline in order to protect the privacy of her adoption hearings. However, once the adoption is final and "d2b" is simply her daughter, I will let you know so that you may follow Kate's journey as a new mother to a precious little girl!

In the meantime I would like Kate to know that all of us here at Four Feet More are sending warm thoughts her way and crossing fingers, toes and eyes in the hopes that her court date comes soon! Best of luck!

As some of you may remember, in March of 2008, we successfully completed a birth family search for our kids. It was amazing to get the photos, video and info on the birth family, and I especially felt that it would be great to keep up a relationship with them as Vika and Eamon get older. And yet here it is, over a year later, and I haven't done anything. I've drafted several letters, but have not had the courage to actually send them out. I guess I'm just a bit conflicted. While the kids' Russian Babushka and Uncle seemed very pleased to see their pictures and learn how they were doing, their Russian Mama seemed mostly sad. I'm not sure how more contact would be received, and I really don't want to cause her additional pain. But then I thought that perhaps having the initial contact, with nothing else afterward might be even more painful than getting another letter and update.

So I am again making contact with the kids' Russian family. I have written a letter (which an acquaintance generously translated for me), both apologizing for the length of time since our last correspondence, and asking the family what kind of contact they would like to have in the future. I figured in this instance, it is best to follow their lead and let them set the pace. I'm also sending photos of the kids and have offered to create a DVD of videos as well (if they are interested).

Hopefully the letter will be well-received and we'll be able to maintain some kind of future relationship with the kids' Russian family. I also hope that the family is still living where they were last year and my feet dragging hasn't cost us the opportunity to regain contact.

Wish us luck.

As long-time readers of this blog know, Vika's always been pretty direct and to the point. She doesn't try to sugar-coat anything, and she definitely knows who she is. This was illustrated perfectly on Mother's Day. Jeff, the kids and I were having brunch with my mom & Ed and my brother Joe's family at a local restaurant. Vix had to use the ladies room and asked that I accompany her. So off we went, to wait in the inevitable line that always seems to lurk just inside the bathroom door.

As we entered, we almost bumped the last woman standing in line. Vika and I both apologized, and the woman (whom I'll call Stacy, because that's what she looked like) began giggling and immediately forgave us. Then she looked at Vika and said, "What a cute little girl!" Vix immediately grabbed my hand and pressed closer to my side (she gets nervous sometimes when strangers talk about her), at which point Stacy looked from Vika to me and excalimed, "Oh! Is she yours?" Her eyes darted between the two of us, clearly confused by the difference in our coloring. I smiled and said, "Yep! She sure is!" Stacy's confusion grew and she began stumbling over her words: "Wow... I mean, she's got such dark skin and you're... well, her father must be... Um...." At this point, Vika decided to clear things up. "I'm adopted," she said. Stacy began giggling some more and responded, "No you're not!" As if Vika was trying to pull one over on her. Biting back a laugh I smiled and said, "Actually yes, she is." "I'm from Russia!" Vika added.

Poor Stacy didn't know what to make of this, so she simply said, "Oh! I'm sorry!"

"Don't be!" I replied. "We're not."

In an effort to make the woman feel more at ease (but actually only making her discomfort worse), Vika went on to explain, "Both my brother and me are adopted from Russia. We have the same mother there, but different fathers." This rendered Stacy completely speechless, and her relief when a stall opened up was obvious. After she rushed in and locked the door, I laughed quietly, hugged Vika and said, "Dude, you're AWESOME!"

Vika shrugged her shoulders and said, "What? We're from Russia!" like it was no big deal. That put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. I love that both Vika and Eamon are so matter of fact about their adoption and don't see it as a source of shame. Hopefully that attitude will continue throughout their lives, and they'll always feel a little special that they were chosen to be a part of our family. And, if they do a little educating of people like Stacy along the way, more power to them!

Because our two children joined our family through adoption, they have a different background and perspective on life than most of their peers. We celebrate the fact that they were chosen to be a part of our family and have been very open about their adoption. To this end, we are always interested in finding great children's books dealing with adoption, especially those relating to children from Russia. A book we discovered recently is Mishka: An Adoption Tale, by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista. I love this book because it deals with the unique situation in Russia where prospective parents make two trips to adopt their child. First, they fly out to meet their child and sign the papers declaring their intention to adopt him or her. Then they return home to wait for a court date before making the second trip to adopt their child. For us, the wait was only a month, but others have waited much longer (one family I know waited a year!). This books tells about that wait from the perspective of those left behind in the orphanage, in this case a little boy and the mishka (teddy bear) his soon-to-be parents gave him during their first visit.

We learned a bit from the Baby Home about how Eamon reacted to the wait in between trips. He didn't understand where we had gone and why we were not visiting him. He knew we wanted to make him a part of our family, but our absence made him very concerned and nervous about when we would come to get him. Caretakers at the orphanage told us of Eamon lying in his bed, shaking with fear that we would never come back. The picture of our family that we gave to him was crumpled from being held tightly in his little fist. When I learned of this, I wished that we had given him something cuddly to hold on to, rather than the hard, plastic toy truck which was our gift to him during that first trip.

Before we initiated the adoption process, I bought a teddy bear for the child who would one day be my son. It is a red, white and blue speckled bear with a USA patch on its chest (a bigger version of a TY Beanie Baby). We didn't give this bear to Eamon when we went to Russia on Trip 1 because I was afraid that it would stay at the orphanage and we would never get it back (these fears were well-founded because the stuffed rabbit we got for Vika was never seen again). However, when we brought Eamon home, I presented him with his Mishka, and it has been his constant bedtime companion ever since. He calls the bear "Russia Mishka" and the bright red, white and blue colors of its fur have merged together into kind of a dull lavender from being well-loved.

Eamon and Vika both connect Mishka: An Adoption Tale to their own experience, even though Vika was not as affected by the wait between trips as Eamon. This story is nearly as much of a favorite as A Mother for Choco, another great adoption book. If you have children adopted from Russia, especially if they were a bit "older" at the time of their adoption, I recommend adding this book to your child's library.

Below are some other adoption and Russia themed books that my kids enjoy. I wrote about Nikolai, the Only Bear here, if you'd like to learn more.

Michelle recently shared this poem with me, and it addresses many things we've been thinking about it our family, especially considering what we learned during our birthfamily search. I thought I would share it with you as well.

You cannot change the truth.
These are your children,
but they came from somewhere else
and they are the children of those places
and of those people as well.

Help them to know all about their past
and about their present.
Help them to know that they are from extended families,
that they only have one parent or set of parents,
but that they have more mothers and fathers.
They have grandmothers, godmothers, birthmothers, mother countries, mother earth.
They have grandfathers, godfathers, birthfathers and fatherlands.
They have family by birth and by adoption.
They have family by choice and by chance.

Childhood is short;
They are our children to raise;
they are our children to love;
and then they are citizens of the world.
What we do to them creates the world that we live in.
Give them life.
Give them their truth.
Give them love.
Give them all that they came with,
Give them all that they grow with.

Christmas Eve is that special time of year for our family, when we not only celebrate the holidays, but the anniversary of bringing our kids home as well.

So here it is, our annual trip 2 video. I know long-time readers of this blog are probably sick of seeing it, but I can never get enough.



I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and wish you nothing but the best in the coming year!

Tonight, at 5:30 pm, a social worker is coming over to conduct our 4th and final post-placement visit. After this visit, and the necessary trip to Sacramento to apostille the report, we will have jumped through all the hoops in our adoption process. Five years and mounds of paperwork later, we're almost done!

Unfortunately, our social worker is allergic to cats. And we have 3 of them. Messy, furry little creatures with a tendency to puke at the bottom of the stairs. Hopefully they'll stay out of the way this evening and the visit will go through without any feline mishaps.

This weekend marked a very special anniversary in our household - three years ago, on November 8th, 2005, we met our kids for the first time. I'm not going to post the family video this year, but if you want to check it out, click here.

Instead, I'm going to tell you how we celebrate this occasion in our family. For the last 3 years we have had a "Metcha' Day Dinner," to which we invite family and friends. We always serve Russian food, so our guests are required to be adventurous. Here is the menu:

• Appetizers: Salmon Blini, sardines and crackers, and salmon caviar.
• First course: Borscht with dark Russian bread and butter
• Entree: Golubtsi (Russian cabbage rolls) and Gypsy Potato Paprikash
• Desert: Russian tea cakes and wafer cookies (which the people at the orphanage referred to as "cake.")
  

The beverage selection for adults includes vodka and strong Russian tea, and sparkling juice for the kids (which Eamon still calls "peeva").

Jeff and I enjoyed the food in Russia so much, that this has become one of our most anticipated meals of the year. Vika also loves it since borscht is her favorite food and she could eat a whole plate of sardines in one sitting. It's fun to introduce family and friends to the flavors we experienced while meeting and adopting our kids.

This year's Metcha' Day Dinner was especially successful. Our friends attended as well as my family, and we all had a great time swapping stories and hanging out. Mel, who's a NICU nurse, has some especially crazy delivery-room stories, which she thoughtfully decided to share after dinner was over. Vika and Eamon also had a great time playing with Chad (Mel's son) and stayed up until 11 pm, running around, laughing and dressing Chadly up as a "rock star."

Sadly, none of Jeff's family chose to attend. I'm still a bit annoyed and hurt by their continued disregard of our family. I don't understand why they make no effort to be a part of our lives or get to know Vika and Eamon. But in the end, I have to remind myself that it is their loss - and really, no one missed them much anyway.

It's funny how the idea of family shifts over time. Sitting at around a table laughing with my friends, listening to my family discuss politics at the next table, and watching the kids play with their "cousin" Chad, I felt content and surrounded by love. What more could you ask for when celebrating the anniversary of the best day of your life?

I've completed the kids' books from before they were born through their first year home. I also included their re-adoption day. Dang, that was a lot of work! They look pretty good though, and the kids are both very happy with them. I'll try to post a few pages later.

For now, I'm going out for a drink! The teachers from my school are getting together to lament the end of summer. Next week, it's back to work.

In my last post, I hinted at some surprising news – and no, it is not that my mom is pregnant (although that WOULD be surprising). Sorry. That's kind of a family joke right now since two other women in my family are pregnant with due dates ON THE SAME DAY. One of them happens to be my sister-in-law, so I'm going to be an Auntie! YAY!!! But I digress....

A few weeks ago, I was checking my e-mail and noticed a message with this in the subject line: "Friend of Vika!" I cautiously opened the message. There are all kinds of weird searches that lead to this blog having to do with the name Vika ("Vika feet," "naked Vika," etc. - is there a Russian adult film star named Vika?), and I felt a bit concerned that this message might be related to those searches. But, much to my relief and surprise, the person sending the mail actually believed she might know Vika.

Her name is Michelle, and she adopted her two kids from Murmansk, Russia ecaxtly a year before we adopted ours. When she and her husband were visiting their children in the orphanage, they noticed another little girl in their daughter Alina's group room. This girl had olive skin, dark hair and dark eyes, and was named Vika. She and Alina were best friends, and between trips, the orphanage staff took many photos of the two playing together. Michelle said that Vika had the same special spark that her own kids had, and that she and her husband had thought of her often after bringing their children home. They even considered trying to adopt her for a time, but realized they had their hands full with their two children, and so did not pursue the idea.

Earlier this summer, Michelle sent a message to Tatiana, the orphanage director at the child's home, asking about Vika and whether or not she had been adopted. If Vika had been adopted, she requested that her contact info be forwarded to the adoptive family. Alina missed Vika, and Michelle hoped that there might be a chance of reconnecting the two little girls. Knowing it would take quite a while to receive a response from Tatiana, Michelle decided to do a quick Google search on "Vika" and "Murmansk." On the first page of results was this blog. After looking through it a bit, she became convinced that my Vika was the one she had been searching for, and she decided to contact me by e-mail.

After reading her message, I was a bit stunned. Could it be the same Vika? I wasn't sure, but Michelle quickly sent another message with photos, and it became obvious that the Vika she remembered and our daughter were the same person.

The photos Michelle sent are amazing. They offer a glimpse into Vika's life at the orphanage that we had not seen before. It is also amazing to hear about the friendship between Vika and Alina. Vika has either blocked out or chooses not to talk about much of her time spent in the orphanage. She can give a variety of details about her birth family, but is surprisingly tight-lipped about what her life was like when she was not with her birth mother or Russian babushka. I do know that for much of her last year in the Child’s Home, she felt lost and alone. This was the time period after Alina had been adopted – Vika was separated from Eamon, who still lived in the Baby Home, and the visits by her birth family were becoming less and less frequent. It must have been a painful time, and it’s no wonder that Vika chooses not to relive it.

I do remember one time, shortly after we brought Vika home, when I showed Vika a picture that was taken at the orphanage of her and another little girl. I asked Vika if this was her friend, but she shrugged and said, “Nyet.” Then she said the name “Alina.” At the time, I took it to mean that the girl in the photo was named Alina. But now I think Vika was trying to tell me that Alina was her friend, not the girl in the picture. Unfortunately, her English was limited, as was my Russian, so we weren’t able to discuss this further.

It is amazing to think that through the internet, Alina and Vika have been reunited once again. Alina lives on the East Coast, so we can’t get together for play dates, but the girls have begun to exchange letters, and Michelle and I are planning a phone call between the two. While Vika's memories of the orphanage are hazy, she is very excited that Alina found her. It’s an unexpected connection to Vika’s past that, along with the birth family search, helps us piece together more of her life before joining our family. I’m glad Michelle found us, and look forward to continued contact between Vika and Alina.

Below are a few of the photos Michelle sent. Click on any image to view it larger. You can also read Michelle's blog post about Alina and Vika here.

Vika and Alina at the Child’s Home in Murmansk

Vika at age 3

Vika (far right) playing in the snow with other children at her orphanage (this is my favorite picture – she looks like a little Eskimo!)

OK internets, I need some help. I'm in the process of updating the kids' lifebooks with the information we received from the birth family search. However, I'm stumped on how to handle some of the less-than-savory bits of the birth family's past. Without getting into too much detail, let me just say that the history includes alcohol and drug use, prison time, and assault. Among other things.

So, here's my dilemma: how do I present this info in an age-appropriate way for the kids' lifebooks? Should I just say, "so-and-so did some things that were against the law and had to go to jail?" I don't think I should be terribly specific about the nature of the misdeeds because the kids are too young to understand (plus, they don't really need to know all the specifics right now anyway). But, I do want to be as honest as possible, so the kids don't idealize the lives of their Russian family.

Has anyone else faced this problem? If so, how did you deal with it? If you would prefer to e-mail me privately, that is fine too. A link to my e-mail is on my profile page.

We received the written report yesterday on the birth family, and it was VERY informative. Some of the details were pretty hard to read. But there were some good things in the report as well. It was wonderful to read of the love this Russian family had for our kids and to see the genuine joy both Great-grandmother Maya and Uncle Nikolai felt regarding their adoption. The bad parts of the report are pretty awful though. They left me feeling both sympathy for Tatiana (the birth mother) and a strong desire to shake her and say, "Snap out of it! Make better choices!" I know that many of her decisions were the result of life experiences and the environment she was in, so it's not fair for me to judge her. And I don't, really. I just want her to do better for herself (and any future children) from here on out.

Now it's up to us to navigate the tricky path of disclosure and decide which details to make available to the kids and when. I've already started a bit with easy things, such as a comment I dropped when Vika was laughing: "I love that dimple in your chin Vika! You know, the people in Russia told us that your Russian Mama has a dimple in her chin too. But that dimple in your cheek, that's all you!"

I want Vika to feel a sense of connection to her Russian family, especially since she remembers them. But I also want her to have a strong sense of herself as an individual separate from her Russian family. I'm concerned that she may take some of the burdens her birth mother has had to carry upon herself, and maybe even feel that she's destined for the same kind of misfortunes.

For some reason, I'm not as worried about Eamon. Probably because he doesn't have any real memories of the Russian family, and does not feel connected to them. This may change as he gets older and starts really understanding what it means to be adopted. Part of him is still convinced that he grew in my "tummy" and that Jeff and I put him in the orphanage because Russia wouldn't let us take him home. It will be interesting to see how he processes things once the truth of the matter starts to sink in. Hopefully he'll be an "acknowledge and move on" kind of guy and take things in stride.

One detail I will share here is the answer to a question I always get when people find out that our kids are bio-siblings. That questions is, "Did they have different fathers?" Well, the answer is yes, they did. Vika's birth-father was a Tartar man who bestowed upon her that gorgeous olive skin and those eyes that are so dark as to be nearly black. Eamon's birth father was a blond-haired, blue-eyed man whom Eamon takes after in both coloring and appearance (except for his eyes - those are very much like his birth mother's). It is also interesting to note that Vika was named "Victoria" after Russia's "Victory Day." However, since that holiday is May 9th, and Vika's birthday is July 14th, I'm having difficulty finding the connection. There must have been some link in her birth mother's mind, but I sure as heck can't find it!

For anyone out there who has adopted and is considering doing a birth family search, I would strongly recommend it. Even though we paid for the service, I still feel as if our birth family searcher has given us a wonderful gift. We now know many of the details surrounding the time in Vika and Eamon's lives before they were ours. I feel much better "armed" to answer those tricky questions that may come up as they get older, and hope I can help our kids approach their adoption with an understanding that is grounded in reality. Also, I now have baby pictures of each of my kids! BABY PICTURES! It seems like such a small thing that so many others take for granted. This year I keenly felt the loss of such mementos because at school, I collected baby photos of my 6th graders to put in the yearbook. I couldn't help thinking that my kids would feel left out of such common activities since the earliest pictures we had of them were taken when they were 3 years old.

If you do conduct a search, just be prepared for both the good information as well as the bad. Our kids were placed in orphanages for a reason, and many of those reasons are not pleasant. But I believe it is better to know the details, rather than be left wondering what happened and why. If you adopted from Russia, you also should know that a law was passed recently protecting the privacy of Russian citizens. This has made it a bit more difficult to locate birth parents if there is not an address on file from the time of relinquishment. However, our documents had no last known address, and the search was still successful, so don't give up hope!

If any of you have questions about our birth family search, I'm happy to talk to you about it via e-mail (link in my profile). Melissa also conducted a successful birth family search recently, so you can check her blog out for details as well.

Now I need to make plans to update the kids' LifeBooks....

Last week, we received more information relating to the birth family search we had performed for our kids. It was a CD containing numerous pictures and a video-taped interview with Tatiana (the Russian mama), Nikolai (the Russian uncle) and Maya (the Russian great-grandmother). Unfortunately, the whole thing was in Russian, so we have no idea what was said! However, the four of us still watched the hour-long video together, transfixed by the images of Vika and Eamon's birth family, watching them talk, and listening to their voices.

The first thing that struck me was the awful condition of the apartment in which they lived. Rickety stairs, paint peeling off the walls, and a long, dark hallway led to the front door (which looked almost as if it had been melted by extreme heat at some point). This apartment belongs to the kids' great grandmother, and Tatiana lives there from time to time. Inside the apartment, Tatiana sat on a bed, answering the questions put to her by the interviewer. She seemed a bit reluctant at first, and not terribly happy to be put in this position. I can't say that I blame her. It must be a terrible shock to have someone show up on your doorstep with a camera, asking to talk to you about the children you no longer parent. To her credit though, she did seem to answer all the questions, sometimes though tears, and I'm hoping that the translation of the interview will give u s a lot of valuable details.

Later in the video, she gave us a little "mini-tour" of her bedroom, which it seems is the same one she shared with Vika. There were stuffed animals all around, and as some were held up in front of the camera, the name "Viki" was mentioned. This was what they called Vika as a baby and toddler, so I'm guessing those toys were hers. On the shelf was a framed baby photo of Vika. She must have been about 10 months old at the time, but we could still see the resemblance.

After showing the room, the interviewer gave Tatiana our letter (she said "Spaseeba bolshoy" - Thank you very much), and then handed her the color printouts of our photos. Tatiana took one look at them, then turned her head away and broke into tears. My heart went out to her. I know she may not have been the greatest mother to our kids, but it seems that she did love them, and she probably tried her best given the resources and and parenting skills she had. I may feel a bit differently once we get more details from the translation of the video and the written report, but for now, I simply see her as another mother, living a world away, feeling a tremendous sense of loss.

Once Tatiana recovered, she led the interviewer into the main living area, where both Nikolai and Maya said some words for the camera. My first impression of Nikolai as a happy guy who seems to take things in stride was further strenghtened by this video. Great Grandmother Maya was still the most amazing for me to see. When she was handed the photos, she could not stop looking at them. She gazed fondly at the images, saying how Vika was "kraseeva" (beautiful) and Eamon was "haroshki" (handsome). In the little Russian that I still understand, I also heard her mention the kids "sistra" (big sister Ali, who was in a graduation picture with the kids), their babushka (shout-out to you mom!) and "Mama" and "Papa" as she pointed to a picture of the kids with Jeff and I. It seems that she is pretty accepting of the adoption and happy that the kids have a more stable life than they had in Russia.

Towards the end of the video, the interviewer videotaped the living room, in which there were two dogs (Vika said she had a dog in Russia, and we didn't believe her. Sorry Vika!), a cage with a singing bird, and on a book shelf, a picture of Tatiana holding a newborn Kolya (Eamon) in one arm, and a 15 month old Vika in the other. Vika is grinning at the camera with these chubby cheeks, looking completely content to have a baby brother. I'll admit that we were a ll a bit relieved to see this picture. From what we do know if the kids' past, it is clear that Vika was much more a part of this Russian family than Eamon, and it would have been heartbreaking if there were baby pictures of her, but none of him. We're going to make still images of these photos, and maybe I'll post them here later (with Tatiana's identity concealed).

As for the rest of the report, I'm not sure how many details I'll share on this blog. I believe that the story of the kid's birth family and the circumstances surrounding them being placed into the orphanage will be their story to tell. I don't want to expose Tatiana's story to the general public either. I think that would be unfair to her and disrespectful of her privacy. I'm so glad that we will have these details and images available to our kids as they get older though, to give them a sense of who they are and how they came to be our children.

The other tricky thing Jeff and I are dealing with is how much of the report to share with the kids. The four of us did watch the video together (since the kids don't speak Russian anymore, we figured it was safe), and while Eamon got a bit bored, Vika watched the whole thing. She cried quietly a couple times, especially when her Russian Mama cried, but she brightened up considerably when her Great Grandmother was on the screen. Even though Vika was so young when she lived with them, she still remembers a great deal. Part of her wants to idealize the past (which is why we were skeptical of her story about the dog), but another part of her knows the truth and is saddened by it. I guess how much we share depends on how sensitive the information in the report is. Eventually, the kids will know all the details, but we'll have to share them in an age-appropriate manner, and only when they are ready/mature enough to deal with it.

I received an e-mail today from our contacts in Russia saying that our birth family search for Vika and Eamon was successful! The initial information indicates that they were able to locate and talk to the birth mother, grandmother and an uncle. Preliminary photos will come soon, followed by additional info and a video.

I'm so excited I could spit! I won't though, because that would be gross.

Anyway, they did searches for several families at once in Murmansk, so they will need some time to sort through all the information and prepare the packages. Hopefully we'll get everything within the next few weeks. I'll keep you all posted!