Feeling low
Sorry I haven't written much lately, but I've been feeling a bit down in the dumps. It's a combination of things, really. The job uncertainty is really taking a toll. I've been trying to formulate a "Plan B," but it's difficult since it's possible I won't know the status of my current job until late August. I do know that I will be laid off in March. What happens after that is anyone's guess. I'm one of those people who likes to have a direction in their life - not knowing where I'll be in a year is not something I find exciting. I wish I did, because then maybe this job situation would seem more like a new adventure rather than a scary mess.
The other thing that has been making me blue lately is my step-daughter, Ali. You've probably noticed that there isn't much mention of her on this blog. The reason for this is because she doesn't come around much. I'm not quite sure why that is, exactly. I invite her to every birthday party, event and get together our family has. Jeff calls to check her schedule and see if they can get together, yet she remains absent. Ali keeps alluding to these "issues" she has with us, but when we ask her what those are, she gets vague and says she doesn't want to talk about it. This has been going on for over 2 years now, and it's extremely frustrating. I understand that she has issues relating to being a young adult now out on her own (she's 19), and maybe even feeling a bit displaced after we adopted the kids. But, if she isn’t willing to talk about these issues, how can we ever resolve them? Over the past 3 years, her visits with us have become less and less frequent. In fact, she has only seen us once in the last 8 months. The big letdown came yesterday. Ali was supposed to spend Christmas Eve with us, as she has every year. However, this time, she didn't come by because she had to work. We were disappointed, but rescheduled for yesterday, figuring we would have a late holiday celebration with her. Well, yesterday came around, and she didn't call or show up. When we finally reached her to find out what the plans were, she said she didn't want to be here because Jeff didn't call her on Christmas Eve. WTF? He called her the day before and set up plans to get together, and wished her a merry Christmas. I think he can be forgiven for not calling again the next day.
Needless to say, I was furious with Ali. I was so mad, I was actually shaking. My fury became even hotter when Vika found out Ali wasn't coming over, and collapsed to the ground weeping, "She never sees us! Why doesn't she come over???" I didn't have an answer for her (except my secret belief that Ali was being a vindictive, spoiled brat - I didn't think Vika needed to know my opinion about that though). Finally, I decided to do something about it. I marched downstairs and called Ali to let her know just how upset I was over this. All I got from her was a bunch of "I don't feel like part of the family anymore" and "I have issues with dad!" My response was that it's difficult to feel part of a family that you never see. It is also difficult to resolve issues that one refuses to discuss. Ali had no real answer to this, so she just hurled more guilt and vague accusations. In the end, I just had to let her go. Calling her was a bad decision and just fed right into her need to manipulate and control other people’s emotions.
I realize that Ali is someone who thrives on chaos. Her mother is the same way, and it’s all she really knows. I, however, could do without the drama. Vika and Eamon don’t need it in their lives either. We’re going to send her a package containing her Christmas gifts and birthday gifts from last August (the main birthday present we made for her was a lifebook, very similar to the ones we made for the kids), and hope that she comes around sooner, rather than later. I figure that when Ali’s ready to really discuss what’s been bothering her we’ll be here, waiting.
The other thing that has been making me blue lately is my step-daughter, Ali. You've probably noticed that there isn't much mention of her on this blog. The reason for this is because she doesn't come around much. I'm not quite sure why that is, exactly. I invite her to every birthday party, event and get together our family has. Jeff calls to check her schedule and see if they can get together, yet she remains absent. Ali keeps alluding to these "issues" she has with us, but when we ask her what those are, she gets vague and says she doesn't want to talk about it. This has been going on for over 2 years now, and it's extremely frustrating. I understand that she has issues relating to being a young adult now out on her own (she's 19), and maybe even feeling a bit displaced after we adopted the kids. But, if she isn’t willing to talk about these issues, how can we ever resolve them? Over the past 3 years, her visits with us have become less and less frequent. In fact, she has only seen us once in the last 8 months. The big letdown came yesterday. Ali was supposed to spend Christmas Eve with us, as she has every year. However, this time, she didn't come by because she had to work. We were disappointed, but rescheduled for yesterday, figuring we would have a late holiday celebration with her. Well, yesterday came around, and she didn't call or show up. When we finally reached her to find out what the plans were, she said she didn't want to be here because Jeff didn't call her on Christmas Eve. WTF? He called her the day before and set up plans to get together, and wished her a merry Christmas. I think he can be forgiven for not calling again the next day.
Needless to say, I was furious with Ali. I was so mad, I was actually shaking. My fury became even hotter when Vika found out Ali wasn't coming over, and collapsed to the ground weeping, "She never sees us! Why doesn't she come over???" I didn't have an answer for her (except my secret belief that Ali was being a vindictive, spoiled brat - I didn't think Vika needed to know my opinion about that though). Finally, I decided to do something about it. I marched downstairs and called Ali to let her know just how upset I was over this. All I got from her was a bunch of "I don't feel like part of the family anymore" and "I have issues with dad!" My response was that it's difficult to feel part of a family that you never see. It is also difficult to resolve issues that one refuses to discuss. Ali had no real answer to this, so she just hurled more guilt and vague accusations. In the end, I just had to let her go. Calling her was a bad decision and just fed right into her need to manipulate and control other people’s emotions.
I realize that Ali is someone who thrives on chaos. Her mother is the same way, and it’s all she really knows. I, however, could do without the drama. Vika and Eamon don’t need it in their lives either. We’re going to send her a package containing her Christmas gifts and birthday gifts from last August (the main birthday present we made for her was a lifebook, very similar to the ones we made for the kids), and hope that she comes around sooner, rather than later. I figure that when Ali’s ready to really discuss what’s been bothering her we’ll be here, waiting.
It is very sad. She's missing out on so much. Vika and Eamon will eventually get over her lack of caring for them, and their life will still be full. But I feel sorry for Ali who is alienating her family and losing out on the strength only family can provide. I had so hoped she would learn from her mother's mistakes. I miss seeing her. We all do.
I feel your pain. I will email you privately about some things. But you are not alone.
oh how aggravating. and your hands are tied. i hope she comes around for you.
does her mom know what is up with her?
I'm sorry you guys have to deal with this. My sister sounds a bit like Ali. At 18 she dropped us like a rock and moved out (before graduating high school). It wasn't until she was 25 before she came back around and decided to be a part of the family. Of course that was when her adult gene kicked in.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it just sucks.
{{hugs}}
Sometimes there is nothing you can do. I think with passive-aggressive people the best thing you can do it take them at their word. Play dumb. Be kind and sympathetic, but treat her statements as if they are true.
So, if she says she has to work, then just say you're so sorry that she won't be there (true) and don't give her any indication that you think she is being manipulative.
I'd say the same things to V&E--that Ali is so sorry to not be there, but she has to work.
It's not fun, though, is it?
And the added uncertainty in your life right now makes you want to grab hold of the things you think you SHOULD be able to fix. Right? Totally understand THAT!
De-lurking because I can so relate. I have a stepson who's newly 22. His parents divorced when he was 11. I met his father and him when he was 12. We adopted our sons from Ukraine when stepson was 18.5. For years prior to the adoption and the first about year after the adoption, stepson was extremely difficult to get any time with. His mother was no help whatsoever. It was important to us that our new sons have a chance to have a relationship with stepson if stepson wanted that. Also, we were very concerned about the effects on our new boys of stepson's unreliability about showing up -- it was as if he was too in and out of the little boys' lives, and that was potentially harmful given all their attachment-challenging experiences earlier in their lives.
It took quite a few times of my husband meeting with stepson individually to discuss two key things: (1) explained the difficulties the younger sons had experienced later in life and the possible effects on their attachment now and consequently their behaviour and all the things that are influenced by healthy attachment or lack of -- basically told stepson that for the younger sons' sake an good development, he either had to be "all in" or "all out" but not this middle ground which seemed like yanking all of us around emotionally; (2)explained how much we both hoped that stepson would be able to have a brotherly relationship with the younger boys despite 15-year age difference, and that if this mattered to him at all it was important for him to take a large amount of responsibility for developing that relationship -- we emphasized that the younger boys were completely eager for this and would embrace stepson enthusiastically.
Some other things were happening, I think, such as the timing was right -- this all seemed to coincide with stepson just generally growing up more than he had been through all of his teens. Plus I think he was secretly ready for this sort of direct approach, though I don't think he'd admit that even now. Additionally, husband was doing (or at least attempting) one-on-one activities with stepson for all the years that were difficult. Even when we couldn't get stepson to come over reliably (even when definite plans had been made), husband was admirably stalwart in continuing to "be there," phone and phone and phone despite tons of rebuffs, and continually attempting to take stepson out for dinner or lunch, drive him places, or whatever else husband could get in terms of time together with stepson.
We seem now to have emerged on the other side of all this. I don't know if the changes can be attributed to any of our actions or attempts, or if it's just a matter of this kid growing up a lot. But he now calls almost every Saturday to arrange to come for Sunday dinner, he talks with our younger boys (answers when they call his cell!!), is there for every birthdday, Christmas, and piano recital that he can get to, etc. It has been an amazing transformation.
My advice is to keep the lines as open as you can. Try to imagine where Ali is in terms of her feelings about her parents' divorce. (Has Jeff ever talked openly with her about his perspectives on the divorce and how awful it felt for him to "leave" Ali? My husband did this at one point with my stepson; stepson acted like you'd expect a 16-year old male to act -- rolled eyes, pretended not to listen, etc. -- but we think it made a difference to him psychologically or maybe molecularly!) Anyway, I am sure you and Jeff have tried most of these things, and so my main advice is to wait her out patiently.
Thanks for all of your comments. This has been an ongoing difficulty for our family, and it's helpful to know that others have been through it too.
I completely agree with BT's comment about how Ali's unreliability affects the kids' attachment. V&E are different when she's here - they act up and are torn between wanting Ali around and not trusting that she really cares about them. Unfortunately, even though Jeff and I have both tried to explain this to her, she's too self-absorbed at this point in her life to listen.
Elle - let's hope Ali's "adult gene" kicks in soon and we're finally able to work through these difficulties.
Ugggh...so sorry about all the aggravation! About the job, all I can tell you is that here in NYC, unemployment is the new black. It's crazy. Only time will tell, of course, but I bet lots of people - you included! - land yourselves in a much better spot.
Anyway, just sending you hugs and positive vibes on both fronts.
I have only stumbled into your blog a couple of times... This time I was particularly struck that we are sharing the "will I have a job this time next year?" issue. Not pleasant.
Regarding your step-daughter.... Perhaps some of her "issues" really have to do with little kids, or divorce or whatever... However, I have to say that I have two lovely bio children, a happy in-tact family - but when they were 17-20, they reduced me to tears numerous times because they preferred to be out doing stuff - going to movies, or whatever, or even spending Christmas day with their FRIENDS' families (which really made me feel awful.)
I really think, though, that it was just part of "breaking free", growing up, whatever, and both got over it, so to speak...I guess I got over it, too!
When I tried to demand a reason, I didn't get much....I'm sure if they could have claimed to have some sort of "issues" they would have.