A Deserving Child
Many of you have seen the news that Sandra Bullock adopted an African American baby boy, and is going to proceed with the adoption as a single mother. To this I say, "You GO girl!" However, from other people I am hearing far different words. Words like, "Why did she adopt an African American child instead of a white one?"
This is a bit of a sore spot with me, and I'll tell you why. When we adopted our kids, I was asked on more than one occasion why I chose to adopt from Russia instead of adopting an American child in need of a home. While I know this is slightly different from Bullock's case, it is similar in that other people cast judgment on the children that we chose to adopt. It shows an ignorance about adoption that I thought I would take a moment to address here.
When I was asked why we adopted from Russia instead of America I always responded that we felt the international adoption process better suited our needs. We would not have to wait to be chosen by a birthmother to adopt her child, and once the adoption was final, it would be FINAL. In California, a birthmother can change her mind and take back her child up to 90 days after the adoption. Then there was the sticky case where a birthfather didn't realize he had a child until the boy, which had been adopted by another family, was around 10 years old (the particulars of the case escape me at the moment). Because he was the biological father and had not given his consent to the adoption, he had the right to take back that child. These were risks that our family simply didn't want to take.
Those are reasons I usually site when asked why we didn't adopt from America. However, this is how I really want to answer: A child in need of a family is a child in need of a family. Period. It doesn't matter where that child is from, they are still entitled to a loving home.
I feel the same way about the comments made regarding the transracial nature of Bullock's adoption. Is her son any less deserving of a loving mother because he is African American? It may be true that culturally and emotionally, it would be better for him to be placed in an African American family. He might feel more secure because his skin is not a different color from his family members, and he may feel a greater connection to the African American community. However, the sad reality is, there are many more African American children in need of homes than there are African American families waiting to adopt them.
The same is true of Russia. There are hundreds of thousands of children in orphanages across the country, but adoption by Russian families is still relatively uncommon. This trend has changed in recent years, when The Russian government began offering financial incentives to Russian families to adopt, but the fact remains that the majority of children in Russian orphanages will not be adopted.
Another reality is that the majority of children available for domestic adoption are not the white, newborn babies that many people think of when they begin considering adoption. They are older children in the foster care system. They are babies born to incarcerated or drug addicted mothers. They are biracial children and sibling groups. Don't beleive me? Go here and check out the photo listings for your state.
Now, I'm not saying that children on the photo listings are not entitled to a loving family, because I firmly believe that they are. My point is that adoption is not about bringing the youngest, most-like-you child you can find into your family. It is about bringing a child to LOVE into your family. And all children deserve to be loved, whether they are African American or white, babies or pre-teens, Russian, Chinese, Ethiopian, or born right here in the U.S. of A. The race, age and nationality of a child are irrelevant in that child's right to a loving family.
For those of you out there who have not added to your family through adoption, please remember that it is not all like the movie "Juno" (which I loved, BTW). The faces of adopted children are as varied and diverse as the families who adopt them. And that is a beautiful thing.
As a side note to Sandra Bullock, when someone says to you, "Wow. Your child is so dark. Does (he) look like (his) father?" You can respond as I did when presented with this question about Vika a while back: "Nope (he) looks like (his) mother!" It's fun to see the confusion wash over peoples faces. ;)
This is a bit of a sore spot with me, and I'll tell you why. When we adopted our kids, I was asked on more than one occasion why I chose to adopt from Russia instead of adopting an American child in need of a home. While I know this is slightly different from Bullock's case, it is similar in that other people cast judgment on the children that we chose to adopt. It shows an ignorance about adoption that I thought I would take a moment to address here.
When I was asked why we adopted from Russia instead of America I always responded that we felt the international adoption process better suited our needs. We would not have to wait to be chosen by a birthmother to adopt her child, and once the adoption was final, it would be FINAL. In California, a birthmother can change her mind and take back her child up to 90 days after the adoption. Then there was the sticky case where a birthfather didn't realize he had a child until the boy, which had been adopted by another family, was around 10 years old (the particulars of the case escape me at the moment). Because he was the biological father and had not given his consent to the adoption, he had the right to take back that child. These were risks that our family simply didn't want to take.
Those are reasons I usually site when asked why we didn't adopt from America. However, this is how I really want to answer: A child in need of a family is a child in need of a family. Period. It doesn't matter where that child is from, they are still entitled to a loving home.
I feel the same way about the comments made regarding the transracial nature of Bullock's adoption. Is her son any less deserving of a loving mother because he is African American? It may be true that culturally and emotionally, it would be better for him to be placed in an African American family. He might feel more secure because his skin is not a different color from his family members, and he may feel a greater connection to the African American community. However, the sad reality is, there are many more African American children in need of homes than there are African American families waiting to adopt them.
The same is true of Russia. There are hundreds of thousands of children in orphanages across the country, but adoption by Russian families is still relatively uncommon. This trend has changed in recent years, when The Russian government began offering financial incentives to Russian families to adopt, but the fact remains that the majority of children in Russian orphanages will not be adopted.
Another reality is that the majority of children available for domestic adoption are not the white, newborn babies that many people think of when they begin considering adoption. They are older children in the foster care system. They are babies born to incarcerated or drug addicted mothers. They are biracial children and sibling groups. Don't beleive me? Go here and check out the photo listings for your state.
Now, I'm not saying that children on the photo listings are not entitled to a loving family, because I firmly believe that they are. My point is that adoption is not about bringing the youngest, most-like-you child you can find into your family. It is about bringing a child to LOVE into your family. And all children deserve to be loved, whether they are African American or white, babies or pre-teens, Russian, Chinese, Ethiopian, or born right here in the U.S. of A. The race, age and nationality of a child are irrelevant in that child's right to a loving family.
For those of you out there who have not added to your family through adoption, please remember that it is not all like the movie "Juno" (which I loved, BTW). The faces of adopted children are as varied and diverse as the families who adopt them. And that is a beautiful thing.
As a side note to Sandra Bullock, when someone says to you, "Wow. Your child is so dark. Does (he) look like (his) father?" You can respond as I did when presented with this question about Vika a while back: "Nope (he) looks like (his) mother!" It's fun to see the confusion wash over peoples faces. ;)
Nice posting, girl! It hasn't happened often, but it's certainly bugged me on the occasions when someone asked why I didn't "just" adopt from here... seeming to imply I must be racist, rather than asking out of actual curiosity. (Truth is, I originally did plan to do domestic, and your reasons about the birth family having the option to change their mind - which I don't disagree with! - is exactly what changed my mind).
Additionally, though, a pre-adoptive parent must do a lot of soul searching in terms of deciding the type of child they feel best suited to parent (race, special needs or not, older or younger...), for both their own and the child's benefit. So let's say I AM racist, wouldn't it be far preferable to let that sweet African American baby raised by someone who isn't? I'm sure Sandra, like the rest of us, did her own comfort/desire assessment, and came out more than happy to love and raise this child.
I'm silly happy for both her and her new son.
Great post. I remember a blogger once wrote (dont remember which one) that when she was asked why she adopted from the country she did, she said "because that's where my son was". I LOVE THAT and now I use it all the time.
What celebrities do has no connection to the real world. Most women about to go through a divorce wouldn't choose that moment to adopt any child!
As for the rest of us, whenever will we learn that most personal questions are really none of our business!
I do, however, love the response noted by Artfulstarfish! Truth in its simplest form!!
Starfish - I'm DEFINITELY using that one!
Amen, Jenni!
Thanks for this post! It really bothers me when people get judgmental about other people's choices. Let's celebrate the fact that people are adopting and giving loving families to children who need them rather than critiquing the particular ways in which the parents choose to adopt!
Bravo - I can't even imagine our lives without Vika and Eamon. They're members of our family who just happened to be in another country for a few years.
great post as always Jenni!! It always amazes me to see the amount of bashing adoptive families take. You can't win. If you adopt a white child as a newborn, well why didn't you adopt a child from foster care or an AA child or one from an orphanage. If you adopt overseas, why not here?
I find that the people who criticize the most have never considered adopting and never will.
I choose never to waste my time on them. now the people who ask genuinely, I always say because Russia is where we felt our kids were. A child is a child, just because they are in america doesnt mean they are more important then a child elsewhere in the world. We are all guided to our children in different ways and that should be enough.
ON a side note:
I like that Sandra Bullock explained that this process took over 4 years and that she was floored by the timing of this placement. I love that she kept him out of the spotlight and hunkered down at home to bond. It was a great article and had me in tears at the end.
Good for her!!
Hey, jenni - i have been lurking on your blog, hopping on from Kris', for years... your kids stories are entertaining and you are a great writer! I just had to post this time around and say "HAVE AT IT" - you are so right on all accounts... and, I too, was in tears and admiration with "Sandy"... she put this child and their needs as a family as her priority - and, she didn't take the route many of her fellow professionals did -- she waited in line, the same as the rest of us would have to... and, she felt connected to where she was adopting from for her very own personal and important reasons... i LOVED her comments in the PEOPLE article about what is and is not acceptable in her life... may end up as a quote on my blog.
Anyway, thanks for a great post on the topic!! and keep at it!
I have had this question many times. you said it perfectlly.