Role Models
Maggie over at The Open Window recently wrote an eloquent post entitled Breaking the Cycle. In this post, she mentioned how she is aware that once she adopts her son, she will be in a position to break the cycle of abuse which can occur in families for generations.
Perhaps I'm just dense, but I had never really thought about our adoption in this way before. Vika and Eamon are the second generation of orphanage placements in their birth family. Their Russian mother, aunts and uncles were all raised in orphanages, mostly as a result of the alcohol abuse and neglect by their mother (Vika and Eamon's Russian grandmother). Vika and Eamon wound up being placed in an orphanage by their Russian Mama for the very same reasons. Perhaps, if they had continued to live in such an environment, Vika and Eamon may have one day wound up abusing alcohol and neglecting their own kids? I'm not sure, but with the numbers of cases showing patterns of abuse in families, it is entirely possible.
This idea of "breaking the cycle" was reinforced recently as I observed my kids during playtime. Their favorite game to play is "Mama and Papa." Often, Jeff or I are asked to take the role of "baby," and in the past, this mainly consisted of us being reprimanded and forced to lay in a bed by our "Vika Mama" and "Eamon Papa." One disturbing episode even included the "baby" being put in a cage because she was having bad manners (I hope this was just a child's perception of being placed in a crib). As we began implementing time-ins and other disciplinary measures, these methods became reflected in our kids' play. I have often seen Vika or Eamon placing one of their "kids" (stuffed animals or dolls) in a time-in for hitting or spitting. Vika frequently teaches her kids how to have good manners in various pretend situations, and when they break a rule, she will give them a "minus 5" (minutes of TV time). When Vika first began playing the role of Mama, she was generally harsh and bossy with her kids. But over time, she has become more gentle and calm, talking to the kids quietly and giving them frequent hugs.
For Christmas, Eamon received a Raggedy Andy doll from my childhood friend, Kathy. He loves this doll, and now Andy is the "baby" of choice when Eamon plays Papa. The other day, while I was helping Eamon clean his room, I had Andy sitting on my lap, and pretended that he was offering words of encouragement and cheering Eamon on. But, then I began to have Andy tease Eamon a bit with bad manners (much in the same way Eamon acts up when I am cleaning - my version of playroom karma). Eamon's reaction to this showed me very clearly just how much Jeff and I are role models for him and Vika.
He calmly walked up to Andy and got down on one knee, bringing himself to Andy's level. He looked the doll in the eye and said, "Raggedy Andy, I feel sad when you do that. Stop, please!" I made Andy be contrite, and had him apologize for his hurtful words. Eamon listened quietly and said, "That's OK. I forgive you." Then he gave Andy a hug, smiled, and resumed cleaning his room.
These changes in my kids' mock parenting demonstrates the evolution of their view of a Mama and Papa's role in the family. And it makes sense, really. How can a child raised in an orphanage or a dysfunctional family learn what it means to be a parent? Vika and Eamon's own birth mother certainly was not given the tools to effectively raise children.
I have never thought of our adoption in terms of "saving" or "rescuing" our children from a horrible life. I know that they give as much to us as we give to them (in fact, they probably give us more). But, when I think about how the pattern of abuse and neglect may have continued in Vika and Eamon's life, had they not been adopted, it gives our adoption of them a much more profound meaning. This realization has also given me even more incentive to keep my patience in difficult situations (something I have been struggling with a bit in recent months).
So, thanks Maggie, for opening my eyes to the bigger picture (and for pointing out something which I really should have been aware of before).
Perhaps I'm just dense, but I had never really thought about our adoption in this way before. Vika and Eamon are the second generation of orphanage placements in their birth family. Their Russian mother, aunts and uncles were all raised in orphanages, mostly as a result of the alcohol abuse and neglect by their mother (Vika and Eamon's Russian grandmother). Vika and Eamon wound up being placed in an orphanage by their Russian Mama for the very same reasons. Perhaps, if they had continued to live in such an environment, Vika and Eamon may have one day wound up abusing alcohol and neglecting their own kids? I'm not sure, but with the numbers of cases showing patterns of abuse in families, it is entirely possible.
This idea of "breaking the cycle" was reinforced recently as I observed my kids during playtime. Their favorite game to play is "Mama and Papa." Often, Jeff or I are asked to take the role of "baby," and in the past, this mainly consisted of us being reprimanded and forced to lay in a bed by our "Vika Mama" and "Eamon Papa." One disturbing episode even included the "baby" being put in a cage because she was having bad manners (I hope this was just a child's perception of being placed in a crib). As we began implementing time-ins and other disciplinary measures, these methods became reflected in our kids' play. I have often seen Vika or Eamon placing one of their "kids" (stuffed animals or dolls) in a time-in for hitting or spitting. Vika frequently teaches her kids how to have good manners in various pretend situations, and when they break a rule, she will give them a "minus 5" (minutes of TV time). When Vika first began playing the role of Mama, she was generally harsh and bossy with her kids. But over time, she has become more gentle and calm, talking to the kids quietly and giving them frequent hugs.
For Christmas, Eamon received a Raggedy Andy doll from my childhood friend, Kathy. He loves this doll, and now Andy is the "baby" of choice when Eamon plays Papa. The other day, while I was helping Eamon clean his room, I had Andy sitting on my lap, and pretended that he was offering words of encouragement and cheering Eamon on. But, then I began to have Andy tease Eamon a bit with bad manners (much in the same way Eamon acts up when I am cleaning - my version of playroom karma). Eamon's reaction to this showed me very clearly just how much Jeff and I are role models for him and Vika.
He calmly walked up to Andy and got down on one knee, bringing himself to Andy's level. He looked the doll in the eye and said, "Raggedy Andy, I feel sad when you do that. Stop, please!" I made Andy be contrite, and had him apologize for his hurtful words. Eamon listened quietly and said, "That's OK. I forgive you." Then he gave Andy a hug, smiled, and resumed cleaning his room.
These changes in my kids' mock parenting demonstrates the evolution of their view of a Mama and Papa's role in the family. And it makes sense, really. How can a child raised in an orphanage or a dysfunctional family learn what it means to be a parent? Vika and Eamon's own birth mother certainly was not given the tools to effectively raise children.
I have never thought of our adoption in terms of "saving" or "rescuing" our children from a horrible life. I know that they give as much to us as we give to them (in fact, they probably give us more). But, when I think about how the pattern of abuse and neglect may have continued in Vika and Eamon's life, had they not been adopted, it gives our adoption of them a much more profound meaning. This realization has also given me even more incentive to keep my patience in difficult situations (something I have been struggling with a bit in recent months).
So, thanks Maggie, for opening my eyes to the bigger picture (and for pointing out something which I really should have been aware of before).
Bonnie does the same thing with her dolls. When she first came home, she was so violent with them. She even tied one of her dolls' hands behind her back. I have no idea where that idea came from, but I hate to think about it. She's much better now, but every so often I catch her hitting her dolls. When she's mean to her dolls, I try to make a point to show her how to treat them, and how to love them. Its a process, and like you said, they are learning a new way to react, a new way to behave, and a new way to LIVE.
What a great post. How good you must have felt when you saw your own parenting style reflected in Eamon's words.
I was a bit worried about that post I wrote. I think the concept of "saving" a child that some a-parents insist upon is so, incredibly offensive. I didn't want anyone to think that's what I meant. But, I'm glad you liked the post.
Seeing how they treat their dolls and animals is a really interesting way to gauge their progress.That's wonderful.
No Maggie, I did not think you meant that at all! That's why I found your post so profound. I've known some adoptive families who have taken the view that they "saved" their children, and always find it incredibly annoying. It's almost as if they want a badge of honor for adopting a child or something.
Because of my distaste for this concept, I have never really examined the bigger implications of what our adoption meant. The "breaking the cycle" idea made me more aware of how our kids are now in a position to learn how to be parents, and as Rhonda said, to learn a new way to live. Hopefully, if we do our job right, they will grow up to be wonderful parents to our grandchildren.
I really do think that children's play represents what they not only heard, but what they've internalized. When they are confident enough to take ownership of something, to use it in their play...it means it's THEIRS. What a great glimpse into what Vika and Eamon are claiming for themselves.
Jenni, that post brought tears to my eyes. I teach so often to SW about the cycle of emotional deprevation - generations of teenage pregancies, alcohol misuse, poor emotional health and well-being, DV....
I am amazed by Eamon's ability to aquire such emotional intelligence in such a short time, a testimony to your parenting.
Your kids are wonderful, but you as parents are just as wonderful. Ive never really thought how it would be to adopt an older child I just always thought it was babies but reading your stories and those on your blog roll make me see that older kids need homes, and Mums and Dads to.
Thank you.
xxx