Four Feet More

It's been a bit unsettled here lately, and a lot has been going on.  Chalk it up to Spring Fever, or March Madness, but I feel as if we've taken a few big steps back in our household.  I haven't posted in a while, so this one's going to be long.  You have been warned.

It began a few weeks ago when Vika casually mentioned at dinner that she had to turn in her Endangered Species report by Friday or else she would get a D-.  This was the first time Jeff or I were even hearing about this report, so a tiny, yellow flag began to wave in my mind, encouraging me to investigate further.  Vika explained that her teacher has assigned the report the day before and that she only had 3 days to finish it.  By this time, the yellow flag had been replaced with a wildly flapping red one, and I knew that I was not getting the truth.  Vika's teacher generally gives them weeks to complete a report, not days, so I voiced my confusion over why she changed this pattern.  I offered to e-mail her teacher to find out why she wasn't giving them as much time on the report and see what we could work out. A look of panic crossed over Vika's face, and she came up with one excuse after another why I shouldn't contact her teacher.  Finally, I put an end to the game and told her that I didn't think we were getting the truth and that I would like to have it now, please.  It turns out that the report was overdue and that Vika had not only lied to us about it, but to her teacher as well.   While helping Vika look for the report rubric in her room, I also found several incomplete homework assignments in her garbage can.   It was incredibly disheartening, because I thought we had conquered this problem.  Vika has had trouble with homework in the past, but she really seemed to be on it this year, and I thought those days were behind us.

Our new "I'm Sorry Steps" were put to the test when we had Vika write a letter of apology to her teacher.  This consequence seemed to affect Vika more than the restriction from TV and computer (to help her better focus on her school work).  She really likes her teacher and wants Mrs. M to have a good opinion of her.  She asked me several times if I could just e-mail Mrs. M to explain what happened and set up a homework checking system.  But I held firm, repeating that it was her school work and her responsibility, not mine.  And while our trust in Vika has been pretty well eroded by this, I have to say I am proud of how she handled things with her teacher.  She arranged a homework recording system that has to be initialed by both us and Mrs. M, and delivered a well-written note of apology.  Vika seems to be back on track, and hopefully this time, it will stick.

Last weekend, we had another incident occur that threw me for a loop.  On March 10th, Jeff had knee surgery to repair a meniscus tear.  He came through it OK, but has been hobbling around like an old man ever since.  The kids aren't used to seeing him like this (Jeff's very active), and I think it's made them a bit nervous.  On Sunday, things got worse when I became sick.  In a fit of Spring Cleaning, I had scrubbed down my shower with this new tile cleaner, and began to feel quite woozy.  By lunchtime, the room was spinning and I couldn't get out of bed, I was so dizzy.  We desperately needed groceries, so while I took a rest, Jeff limped off to the grocery store, leaving the kids pretty much unattended for an hour.  We all know how that goes, but Vika and Eamon had assured us that they would be safe and take care of me while he was gone.  When Jeff got home, I was feeling a bit less dizzy, so I made my way downstairs for a snack of Saltines and peppermint tea.  Jeff and the kids joined me, and while we ate, Vika, the master of casual asides, mentioned that Eamon had peed in the litterbox and cat area. 

Jeff and I looked at each other in stunned silence.  I mean, really?  We were having urination in the household thrown at us now, more than 4 years after bringing the kids home?   Fortunately, we managed to keep our cool (most likely due to the fact that neither one of us had the energy to get angry).  I looked at Eamon and said, "Wow.  That's surprising.  Well, no worries.  You'll have plenty of time to clean up the cat area before dinner."  A temper tantrum ensued - Eamon was really upset (ashamed?) that he had been caught, and let us know in no uncertain terms how "mean" we were being to him.  All the drama took it's toll, and I began to feel dizzy and nauseous again.  I barely made it upstairs to find that my bedroom door had been closed and locked.  I laid down in front of the door, trying not to get sick again, as Jeff got the key to open it.  Only the key didn't work.  Eamon had tried to pick the lock with a pencil and the lead had broken off in the keyhole.  At this point, Jeff's calm evaporated and a display of anger which has rarely been seen in our house ensued.  Between the pain in his knee, me being so sick, Eamon's misbehavior, and Vika "stirring the pot", it was all just too much.  The kids were sent to bed while I threw up and Jeff regrouped.

Let me just say at this point that ours' is not usually a dramatic household, so Sunday was definitely a wake-up call.  As a parent of children with traumatic backgrounds, I find myself constantly questioning whether their behavior is typical kid stuff, or indicative of lingering issues from their time in the orphanage.  How much is related to attachment or post-traumatic stress, and how much is just kids testing the limits?  I'm not sure I'll ever really figure that out.  This is the only reality I've ever known, and I've got to take it as it is.  One thing is certain though.  As things have seemed to move backwards, Jeff and I have definitely fanned the flames with our increasingly angry reactions.  We've got to work to be more consistent with the Love and Logic approach, even when behaviors catch us off guard.  That's the challenge we now face.

After writing this post, I asked Eames, "So, what was the deal with that whole peeing in the litterbox thing again?"  He replied that he and Vika were playing "cats."  So, I'm feeling better that this was an instance of kids being kids, rather than a PTSD reaction to Jeff and I not being at full capacity.

Thanks for all the suggestions for dealing with the problem in my last post. We've actually used a few of them, and I think Vika is starting to get it. Maggie - we did the activity with the paper person, writing on the body all the things that make family great, and then tearing it apart with actions that hurt a family. Afterward we discussed what actions would put the family back together and taped the paper person back up. Then I hung him on the fridge as a reminder.

The next day, Vika and I were having a discussion about how she was talking to Eamon (she does love to boss him around). She began yelling and whining, so I said, "I don't think we're communicating very well right now. Lets talk about this later when we're both more calm." Vika stormed off to the refrigerator, took down the paper person and tore off the leg that says "communication." Then she placed it on my laptop. I fought back a smile because I know she was making a valid point, and I didn't think she'd appreciate the humor in the situation. But we later talked about it and she found her actions amusing too. I still have the paper "communication" leg sitting by my laptop, and it makes me smile every time I look at it. Perhaps it's time to reattach the leg to our little "Family Man" though.

Vika is also working on a well-thought-out letter of apology, which Eamon requested of her. Eamon told Vika he wanted the letter to say more than just "I'm sorry." He wanted her to show that she really meant it. Sounds like the kid has some tough standards. I hope he doesn't make Vika do too many revisions!

I really liked Kate's suggestion of a shared family "secret" that Vika was excluded from. It was just tricky thinking of how to do this in a way that didn't seem vindictive or mean. Luckily, Eamon is not the type to hold grudges or intentionally hurt someone's feelings, so when we told him our plan, I knew he would see it through in a kind way. We have planned a fun family evening watching "Polar Express," drinking hot chocolate (which we usually do during the "Hot Chocolate" scene in the movie - we're nerds), and making cinnamon S'mores. Eamon, Jeff and I have talked about the "fun plans" in passing, but not enough to lord it over Vika. We've just kind of mentioned it here and there, and Eamon's given me smiling thumb's up signals across the table. Vika has asked, "What is the surprise?! Is it a surprise for me?!" I said that no, it wasn't a surprise for her, but it was a family activity that we wanted to do, just the four of us. We are nervous about telling her because she might mention it to someone else, who would feel bad that they are not included. Frankly, it's driving Vika nuts! "Why can't you just tell me?!" she exclaimed in frustration yesterday afternoon. "I think you know the answer to that, Vika" I responded calmly. She got very quiet at that point and was really thinking about it. Hopefully she thought about what it means to share trust in a family and how it is better to be inside the "circle of trust" rather than outside of it. We'll put her out of her misery today though. A rainy Sunday sounds like the perfect day to watch "Polar Express," drink hot cocoa and eat S'mores!

One other family building activity Jeff and I are doing is kind of a "forced cooperation" program. Vika constantly needs to be in charge of Eamon, so we're making them work together on family chores, like folding laundry or cleaning the kitchen, and fun things like Holiday projects. We've instructed Eamon to say, "Nice try Vika" when she starts bossing him around and to remind her that they are working as a team. Our hope is that this will empower Eamon to react to Vika's bossiness with words instead of anger, and also reinforce that neither child in the house is in charge of the other. We'll see how that goes.

Thank you again for all the great ideas. I was too upset to really come up with anything constructive last weekend. Fortunately, since Vika let the secret slip on a Friday, the kids at school had all weekend to forget about it, and Eamon has not been teased since. That was my biggest concern, and luckily, it seems to no longer be an issue.

I need advice regarding a problem which I was made aware of this afternoon. Vika exposed a secret about Eamon, something he is ashamed of and which we have said would stay just within the family, to her classmates at school in an effort to embarrass and bully him. Sadly it worked, and now kids at school are making fun of Eamon as well. I'm so upset with her, and extremely sad that Eamon now has to endure teasing about something which he really cannot help.

I've told Vika how people need to feel safe in a family and how she has made Eamon feel unsafe by telling his secret to kids at school. I've also told her that words can never be taken back and how disappointed I am with her for lashing out at her brother in that way. But it seems there needs to be some bigger consequence for this so that it will never occur again.

How would you deal with a situation like this? Anything you can think of that would have a lasting impact? And for the more bloodthirsty of you out there, beating her with a stick is not an option.

The best part about this sign, which is hung on Vika's door, is the little drawing at the bottom. Vika is shouting "Out!" to Eamon, and he's giving her this evil "ha ha ha!" laugh.

She does have a flare for the dramatic.

As some of you may remember, in March of 2008, we successfully completed a birth family search for our kids. It was amazing to get the photos, video and info on the birth family, and I especially felt that it would be great to keep up a relationship with them as Vika and Eamon get older. And yet here it is, over a year later, and I haven't done anything. I've drafted several letters, but have not had the courage to actually send them out. I guess I'm just a bit conflicted. While the kids' Russian Babushka and Uncle seemed very pleased to see their pictures and learn how they were doing, their Russian Mama seemed mostly sad. I'm not sure how more contact would be received, and I really don't want to cause her additional pain. But then I thought that perhaps having the initial contact, with nothing else afterward might be even more painful than getting another letter and update.

So I am again making contact with the kids' Russian family. I have written a letter (which an acquaintance generously translated for me), both apologizing for the length of time since our last correspondence, and asking the family what kind of contact they would like to have in the future. I figured in this instance, it is best to follow their lead and let them set the pace. I'm also sending photos of the kids and have offered to create a DVD of videos as well (if they are interested).

Hopefully the letter will be well-received and we'll be able to maintain some kind of future relationship with the kids' Russian family. I also hope that the family is still living where they were last year and my feet dragging hasn't cost us the opportunity to regain contact.

Wish us luck.

Below is a brief excerpt from a discussion around the dinner table this evening.

Eamon: When I grow up, there's gonna be 7 people in my house! 2 grown ups and (counting quickly on his fingers) 5 kids. But we'll need a bigger house with more rooms.

Vika: Not me! First, I'm gonna have one kid, and if that one's annoying, that's it! But if not, I'll have another kid, and if that one's annoying, no more! (throwing a superior look in Eamon's direction).

Eamon: What?! I like kids!!!

It's nice to see they're figuring these things out early in life.

This past year has been a difficult one at school. In addition to the budget cuts and the knowledge that I most likely won't have a job next year is the increased work-load heaped upon us by the district. Just the other day we all received books for a new art program which we are supposed to implement somewhere in our already packed schedules. It's really hard to stay motivated and positive, but I'm doing my best for the sake of my students.

It's been a hard year for Jeff too. As a real estate broker during the current economic crisis, deals have been pretty thin. Add to that the fact that he has to make three trips to the kids' school each day (Eamon is a "late-bird" and therefore starts school 3 hours after Vika), and it seems that Jeff has had little or no free time since September.

The kids see our stress and exhaustion and I'm sure they're feeling it too. So, even though we don't have a huge amount of disposable income, it's clear that we all need a vacation this summer. But where could we get away from it all without spending a lot of money. The answer may surprise you: Walt Disney World.

At the risk of raising Kate's anti-Disney ire, I have to say that I absolutely LOVE both Disneyland and Disney World. I grew up taking road trips from Arizona to Disneyland, and the park is the highlight of many childhood memories. However, in recent years, we've gone to Disney World more than Dinseyland - even though it's on the other side of the country. There's one simple reason for this: the food. Jeff and I are foodies, and Disney World offers much more in the way of dining than Disneyland. The Animal Kingdom Lodge is home to one of our favorite restaurants, Boma, at which you can sample African dishes such as bobotie, fufu and cocomisu (probably not really African, but still good). Epcot also offers samples of cuisine from all over the world, which we enjoy despite the fact that much of it is "Disneyfied." Since I am on a personal mission to both give my kids wonderful childhood Disney memories and have them grow into foodies like their parents, Dinsey World is always on my list of potential vacation spots.

The last time we went, in September of 2006, we were able to get the free dining plan, which saved us around $1000! Jeff and I enjoyed it so much that we swore that if they offered free dining again, we would try to take advantage of it. Well, check it out: Score! Because of tough economic times across the country, we were able to get a discounted rate on a room and park tickets as well. And, thanks to our air miles program, we are flying to Florida practically for free! It's almost as if we can't afford not to go to Disney World. That's how I'm justifying it anyway.

So, now we all have something to look forward to this August. The idea that we wouldn't be able to swing a family vacation this year was depressing me quite a bit, truth be told. Jeff and I have worked too hard! And while Disney World may not be the relaxing vacation we probably need, is there really such a thing as a relaxing vacation with kids? My guess is no. So we'll just embrace the crowds, the humidity and the chaos of the four Disney parks and have a great time making memories.

This year, for the first time ever, we took the kids to visit Santa. I actually was going to take them last year, but when we got to the mall, the Santa there looked kind of shady. I’m not sure what it was, but he just creeped me out. So, the kids didn’t sit on his lap.

This year, however, I realized that it may be the last time our kids want to sit on Santa’s lap, so Jeff and I made a point of going to the mall to visit the jolly old elf. Well, wouldn’t you know, it was the same guy from last year. He looked a little less shifty this year though, and their photo printer was down, so the poor guy was sitting there, all alone, waiting for people to visit him. Since we had our own camera, we walked right up to his Christmas Throne and Eamon climbed on to Santa’s lap. Vika also took a turn, listing all the things she wanted him to bring her for Christmas (most of it “American Girl” related. *sigh*). As the kids spoke with Santa, he kept looking over at me with a little gleam in his eyes. I didn’t understand why until a few minutes later.

When the kids were done, Santa looked at me with this sly grin and said, “Kids, you want Mommy to sit on Santa’s lap?” “Oh God” I thought, “NO!” But by then the Vika and Eamon were excitedly shouting “Yes! Yes! Papa too!” and Santa has his arms wide open, waiting for me to join him on his throne. I nervously walked forward, and gingerly sat on his leg, almost standing really, waiting for Jeff to come over so we could get this thing done. Santa boomed, “NOPE! Put both legs in the middle, Mom and sit DOWN on my lap!” I looked to Jeff for some help, but he was giving Vika a quick tutorial on the camera and completely oblivious to my distress. Seeing no way out, I turned slightly and sat down fully on the man's red-clad leg. When Jeff joined me on Santa’s other leg, I felt St. Nick’s arm slip around my side and rest gently on my ribs.

Then, Santa copped a feel. When Vika held up the camera to take our picture, Santa began tickling my ribs. I jumped up in startled laughter, but he pulled me back down with a self-satisfied leer. Only he didn’t stop there. He kept at it, saying, “Oh! I found Mommy’s tickle spot!” My discomfort with the situation grew.

Finally, after about four pictures, I twisted away from Santa’s grasping paws and tried to gather up my things in as dignified a manner as possible.

As we walked away, a boisterous “Ho! Ho! Ho!” trailing behind us, I asked Jeff, “Did Santa tickle you?”

“Yep!” He replied, as if there was nothing at all strange about a grown man tickling other adults while they are sitting on his lap. Jeff went on to explain, “He just did it for the pictures.”

Well, you know what? I’m 35 years old. I’ve had plenty of years practice smiling for the camera, and can do it pretty well without being prodded along by a complete stranger, thankyouverymuch.

My weirdness aside, Vika and Eamon had a great time and talked all the way home about how that must have been the real Santa, and not one of his Holiday Helpers. It was fun to see how excited they were to finally meet St. Nick in person. Although Eamon was a bit disappointed that there wasn't a slide (like in "A Christmas Story").

Now that I think about it, a tickling Santa isn't quite as bad at the "Christmas Story" one. At least none of us got a boot to the face.

One of the benefits on our birth family search was that we got a couple of baby photos of the kids. The quality isn't the best, and the images are kind of fuzzy, but it's more than we had before, and we are very happy to have them.

These images are a bit small because the resolution was so low. However, we were able to print them out as wallet size photos, which we can put into the kids' lifebooks.

Here's Vika at around 10 months of age (I'm totally guessing here. I'm not terribly good at judging babies' ages). She's sitting in front of the same rug that was hung on the wall behind her Russian Mama during the interview (which gives kind of a nice sense of continuity). At the top of this photo, which was framed on the Tatiana's shelf, was a cut out picture of an unknown man (I edited it out here). I'm hoping his identity will be revealed when we get the video translation.



Here is a photo of the two kids sitting on their Russian Mama's lap. Eamon must be just a few months old in this photo, and Vika is probably around 20 months old. This isn't too long before they were placed in the orphanage.

The Russian Mama did ask that we send her regular updates and photos of the kids, and she promised to send us some photos as well.

An interesting side effect of the birth family search is that our family became a bit more extended. Even though we do not know them personally, and may never meet them in real life, I feel as if our kids' Russian family is part of our family too. I also feel a bit as if I am sharing Mother's Day this year with Tatiana. In previous years, she was a faceless person whom we did not know a lot about. Now that she is "real," my empathy for her and her loss of Vika and Eamon is even greater. I'll be keeping her in my thoughts this Mother's Day and hoping that the pictures and information we sent will give her as much comfort as the pictures and information she sent gave us.

We received the written report yesterday on the birth family, and it was VERY informative. Some of the details were pretty hard to read. But there were some good things in the report as well. It was wonderful to read of the love this Russian family had for our kids and to see the genuine joy both Great-grandmother Maya and Uncle Nikolai felt regarding their adoption. The bad parts of the report are pretty awful though. They left me feeling both sympathy for Tatiana (the birth mother) and a strong desire to shake her and say, "Snap out of it! Make better choices!" I know that many of her decisions were the result of life experiences and the environment she was in, so it's not fair for me to judge her. And I don't, really. I just want her to do better for herself (and any future children) from here on out.

Now it's up to us to navigate the tricky path of disclosure and decide which details to make available to the kids and when. I've already started a bit with easy things, such as a comment I dropped when Vika was laughing: "I love that dimple in your chin Vika! You know, the people in Russia told us that your Russian Mama has a dimple in her chin too. But that dimple in your cheek, that's all you!"

I want Vika to feel a sense of connection to her Russian family, especially since she remembers them. But I also want her to have a strong sense of herself as an individual separate from her Russian family. I'm concerned that she may take some of the burdens her birth mother has had to carry upon herself, and maybe even feel that she's destined for the same kind of misfortunes.

For some reason, I'm not as worried about Eamon. Probably because he doesn't have any real memories of the Russian family, and does not feel connected to them. This may change as he gets older and starts really understanding what it means to be adopted. Part of him is still convinced that he grew in my "tummy" and that Jeff and I put him in the orphanage because Russia wouldn't let us take him home. It will be interesting to see how he processes things once the truth of the matter starts to sink in. Hopefully he'll be an "acknowledge and move on" kind of guy and take things in stride.

One detail I will share here is the answer to a question I always get when people find out that our kids are bio-siblings. That questions is, "Did they have different fathers?" Well, the answer is yes, they did. Vika's birth-father was a Tartar man who bestowed upon her that gorgeous olive skin and those eyes that are so dark as to be nearly black. Eamon's birth father was a blond-haired, blue-eyed man whom Eamon takes after in both coloring and appearance (except for his eyes - those are very much like his birth mother's). It is also interesting to note that Vika was named "Victoria" after Russia's "Victory Day." However, since that holiday is May 9th, and Vika's birthday is July 14th, I'm having difficulty finding the connection. There must have been some link in her birth mother's mind, but I sure as heck can't find it!

For anyone out there who has adopted and is considering doing a birth family search, I would strongly recommend it. Even though we paid for the service, I still feel as if our birth family searcher has given us a wonderful gift. We now know many of the details surrounding the time in Vika and Eamon's lives before they were ours. I feel much better "armed" to answer those tricky questions that may come up as they get older, and hope I can help our kids approach their adoption with an understanding that is grounded in reality. Also, I now have baby pictures of each of my kids! BABY PICTURES! It seems like such a small thing that so many others take for granted. This year I keenly felt the loss of such mementos because at school, I collected baby photos of my 6th graders to put in the yearbook. I couldn't help thinking that my kids would feel left out of such common activities since the earliest pictures we had of them were taken when they were 3 years old.

If you do conduct a search, just be prepared for both the good information as well as the bad. Our kids were placed in orphanages for a reason, and many of those reasons are not pleasant. But I believe it is better to know the details, rather than be left wondering what happened and why. If you adopted from Russia, you also should know that a law was passed recently protecting the privacy of Russian citizens. This has made it a bit more difficult to locate birth parents if there is not an address on file from the time of relinquishment. However, our documents had no last known address, and the search was still successful, so don't give up hope!

If any of you have questions about our birth family search, I'm happy to talk to you about it via e-mail (link in my profile). Melissa also conducted a successful birth family search recently, so you can check her blog out for details as well.

Now I need to make plans to update the kids' LifeBooks....

Last week, we received more information relating to the birth family search we had performed for our kids. It was a CD containing numerous pictures and a video-taped interview with Tatiana (the Russian mama), Nikolai (the Russian uncle) and Maya (the Russian great-grandmother). Unfortunately, the whole thing was in Russian, so we have no idea what was said! However, the four of us still watched the hour-long video together, transfixed by the images of Vika and Eamon's birth family, watching them talk, and listening to their voices.

The first thing that struck me was the awful condition of the apartment in which they lived. Rickety stairs, paint peeling off the walls, and a long, dark hallway led to the front door (which looked almost as if it had been melted by extreme heat at some point). This apartment belongs to the kids' great grandmother, and Tatiana lives there from time to time. Inside the apartment, Tatiana sat on a bed, answering the questions put to her by the interviewer. She seemed a bit reluctant at first, and not terribly happy to be put in this position. I can't say that I blame her. It must be a terrible shock to have someone show up on your doorstep with a camera, asking to talk to you about the children you no longer parent. To her credit though, she did seem to answer all the questions, sometimes though tears, and I'm hoping that the translation of the interview will give u s a lot of valuable details.

Later in the video, she gave us a little "mini-tour" of her bedroom, which it seems is the same one she shared with Vika. There were stuffed animals all around, and as some were held up in front of the camera, the name "Viki" was mentioned. This was what they called Vika as a baby and toddler, so I'm guessing those toys were hers. On the shelf was a framed baby photo of Vika. She must have been about 10 months old at the time, but we could still see the resemblance.

After showing the room, the interviewer gave Tatiana our letter (she said "Spaseeba bolshoy" - Thank you very much), and then handed her the color printouts of our photos. Tatiana took one look at them, then turned her head away and broke into tears. My heart went out to her. I know she may not have been the greatest mother to our kids, but it seems that she did love them, and she probably tried her best given the resources and and parenting skills she had. I may feel a bit differently once we get more details from the translation of the video and the written report, but for now, I simply see her as another mother, living a world away, feeling a tremendous sense of loss.

Once Tatiana recovered, she led the interviewer into the main living area, where both Nikolai and Maya said some words for the camera. My first impression of Nikolai as a happy guy who seems to take things in stride was further strenghtened by this video. Great Grandmother Maya was still the most amazing for me to see. When she was handed the photos, she could not stop looking at them. She gazed fondly at the images, saying how Vika was "kraseeva" (beautiful) and Eamon was "haroshki" (handsome). In the little Russian that I still understand, I also heard her mention the kids "sistra" (big sister Ali, who was in a graduation picture with the kids), their babushka (shout-out to you mom!) and "Mama" and "Papa" as she pointed to a picture of the kids with Jeff and I. It seems that she is pretty accepting of the adoption and happy that the kids have a more stable life than they had in Russia.

Towards the end of the video, the interviewer videotaped the living room, in which there were two dogs (Vika said she had a dog in Russia, and we didn't believe her. Sorry Vika!), a cage with a singing bird, and on a book shelf, a picture of Tatiana holding a newborn Kolya (Eamon) in one arm, and a 15 month old Vika in the other. Vika is grinning at the camera with these chubby cheeks, looking completely content to have a baby brother. I'll admit that we were a ll a bit relieved to see this picture. From what we do know if the kids' past, it is clear that Vika was much more a part of this Russian family than Eamon, and it would have been heartbreaking if there were baby pictures of her, but none of him. We're going to make still images of these photos, and maybe I'll post them here later (with Tatiana's identity concealed).

As for the rest of the report, I'm not sure how many details I'll share on this blog. I believe that the story of the kid's birth family and the circumstances surrounding them being placed into the orphanage will be their story to tell. I don't want to expose Tatiana's story to the general public either. I think that would be unfair to her and disrespectful of her privacy. I'm so glad that we will have these details and images available to our kids as they get older though, to give them a sense of who they are and how they came to be our children.

The other tricky thing Jeff and I are dealing with is how much of the report to share with the kids. The four of us did watch the video together (since the kids don't speak Russian anymore, we figured it was safe), and while Eamon got a bit bored, Vika watched the whole thing. She cried quietly a couple times, especially when her Russian Mama cried, but she brightened up considerably when her Great Grandmother was on the screen. Even though Vika was so young when she lived with them, she still remembers a great deal. Part of her wants to idealize the past (which is why we were skeptical of her story about the dog), but another part of her knows the truth and is saddened by it. I guess how much we share depends on how sensitive the information in the report is. Eventually, the kids will know all the details, but we'll have to share them in an age-appropriate manner, and only when they are ready/mature enough to deal with it.

When I opened my e-mail yesterday morning, I saw another message with "Re: Birth Family Search" in the subject line, and this had attachments. With my heart in my throat, I opened the message and scrolled down to the bottom. There, I saw my kids' Russian Mama (T) staring back at me. Interestingly enough, I didn't really feel anything when I saw her face. Not anger, not gratitude...nothing. I mostly felt curious about her, and began searching for a resemblance to Vika and Eamon. There were 5 pictures of her in all, and she looked just the way Vika described her, even down to the hairstyle. Vika certainly takes after her in looks. They share the same dark hair, olive skin and black eyes, and in some of the photos, T is even making goofy facial expressions similar to Vika's. I guess that's where my daughter got her flair for the dramatic. Interestingly enough, I can see a slight resemblance to Eamon as well, mostly in the eyes. His coloring is entirely different though, and I'm hoping that the final report we receive includes some information about the birth father (or possibly even a photo). I think Eamon must take after him, especially since Vika says she remembers a "Papa with yellow hair."

As I scrolled down past the pictures of T, I came to some more photos which definitely caused an emotional reaction. The first was of an uncle, whom we had been unaware of until yesterday, named Nikolai. He seems like a happy guy, with a warm smile, and the same dark coloring as Vika. What was really special about this uncle though is that he has Eamon's Russian name. Could Eamon have been named after him? I really hope so, because until now, we had always thought that Eamon was completely neglected by his family. But if he was named after his uncle, then perhaps Eamon (Nikolay) was cared for more than we previously suspected. It will be interesting to learn more about this.

The next pictures were of the kids' Great Grandmother, M. M was the one who took care of Vika and Eamon, and she's the one who made sure Vika was baptized. She gave her consent for the adoption because at the age of 70, she was too old to look after the kids. In one photo, M is holding some pieces of paper and pointing to them with a look of wonder on her face. In another, she is holding the papers and smiling slightly. As I examined the photos more closely, it appeared that the papers were print-outs of the pictures I sent to Russia of Vika and Eamon and our family. As this realization hit me, my heart began pounding and I became teary eyed. By all accounts, this Russian Babushka loved our kids very much, and I hope that the knowledge that Vika and Eamon are well-cared for and loved by their new family gave her some peace of mind.

The final photo of the group was the most touching of all. It is a shot of Nikolai, M (still clutching the photos in her hands), and T standing together, posing for the camera and smiling. Smiling for Vika and Eamon. Maybe even smiling a bit for us. It is so amazing to think that a world away, there is another family, thinking of us, and caring for our kids. It is a strange connection we share, but a beautiful one too.

I cannot wait to get the full report and video from our contact in Russia. I look forward to learning more about this family and our children's beginnings.

I received an e-mail today from our contacts in Russia saying that our birth family search for Vika and Eamon was successful! The initial information indicates that they were able to locate and talk to the birth mother, grandmother and an uncle. Preliminary photos will come soon, followed by additional info and a video.

I'm so excited I could spit! I won't though, because that would be gross.

Anyway, they did searches for several families at once in Murmansk, so they will need some time to sort through all the information and prepare the packages. Hopefully we'll get everything within the next few weeks. I'll keep you all posted!

You may not know it to look at him, but my son is brilliant. And stinky. That boy emits gas fumes more rank than anything I have ever smelled before. Being a boy, he's naturally proud of this talent.

Yesterday, Vika was a pill. She needed to clean her room before we left for a birthday party, but she found every excuse she could think of to delay doing the work. Eamon, on the other hand, was a little champ, and got the huge mess in his room cleaned with little fuss or complaint (this is not usually the case - generally Vika is the champ and Eamon is the pill when it comes to room cleaning). Since Eamon's room was done, he had some extra time to play, and he made good use of that time, driving his new matchbox cars around on a street-scene mat in the living room (complete with car sound effects, of course).

Vika came downstairs and pouted as she watched him play, saying how unfair we were, making her clean her room. Eamon just kept playing with his cars (zzzzssssshhhhh - that's his car noise). Vika complained to me some more about cleaning her room, and I said, "Vika, I think it would be a good idea for you to go up to your room and finish the job. Then you can come down and play." She stubbornly remained where she was, refusing to budge. Eamon kept playing with his cars (zzzssssshhhhh). This went on for a while, with Vika complaining and Eamon and I not engaging in the fight she so desperately wanted.

Then suddenly, Vika let out a shriek and yelled "Ugh! Stinky!!!"

Zzzzzsssshhhhh. Eamon kept playing with his cars.

Vika began gasping for air and plugging her nose: "Stinky! Eamon POOTED!" ("poot" is the word for "fart" in our house). Eamon calmly ignored her and kept pushing his cars around on the mat.

I interrupted Vika's gas chamber drama by saying, "Vika, if you were in your room, like you're supposed to be, then you wouldn't smell Eamon's poot right now." She shrieked again and ran away, covering her nose and mouth with her hands.

After she left, Eamon got up from his mat and walked over to me with a little smile on his face. He leaned in close, flashed me a double thumbs up and whispered, "Good job Mama!"

The little punk had planned the whole thing! He pooted to make Vika leave the room, and it worked! I laughed so hard. Who knew he had it in him to be so cunning? Vika better watch out. Eamon's got some tricks hidden up his sleeve, and I think we all may have underestimated him a bit.

In other news, Vika made it into this month's FRUA Family Focus. If any of you get that magazine, check out the regional news, and you'll see a photo of her with a friend at the pumpkin patch. Some people at the Nor Cal regional office must have submitted the photo, because we didn't, and it was a fun surprise to see her in there.

Now it's back to cleaning up the mess in our house and finding a place to put all the Christmas loot. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

The last few weeks with Vika and Eamon have been rough. The adjustment to both of them being in school and me working full-time has thrown our family for a bit of a loop. I knew it would, but somehow I expected the loop to be… smaller… Add a hefty dose of Mama-Guilt to the mix (this teaching gig takes way more of my time than I anticipated), and you’ve got a stinky mess. Things are beginning to smooth out a little, and when we can stick to the “Love and Logic” way of parenting, volatile situations are diffused much quicker. But it is so hard to be consistent. Our kids definitely know which buttons to push.

So, to get us out of the "kid-bashing" mode we’ve begun to slide into, Jeff and I decided to look at how far our kids have come in the nearly two years that we’ve know them.

• Eamon went from being diagnosed with a “speech delay” to speaking full sentences including words like “actually,” and “noticed.” Sure, “poo-poo” has been his favorite word recently, but I’m hoping it’s just a phase.
• Vika will sit on your lap and snuggle for an hour, if you let her. Before, she would hug us quickly for a minute, and then squirm frantically to get away from our embrace.
• When we brought Eamon home, he could not sit still for even 5 minutes at a time. The only prolonged period he could remain still was when he was sleeping. Now, he can calmly sit through a whole movie, although he does still fiddle with his hands (that whole self-stimulation thing is a hard habit to break).
• Eamon used to bite, spit, scream, kick and hit when he was angry. Now he just hits with the occasional scream. Still not great, but we are making progress! And lucky for us, he’s generally a happy kid.
• Vika used to cry for her Russian Mama and Babushka a lot, especially when she felt things here were out of her control. She had a lot of grief pent up inside, and it came out frequently. Now, she still has periods of sadness, but they are few and far between.
• Vika and Eamon have both learned to express their feelings with words, which is huge in our house. They are able to identify what they are feeling, as well as the cause of it, and work through their problems (sometimes they even work through them together!). Of course, there is still a lot of fighting and sibling rivalry, but when Jeff and I ask them to take their fight somewhere else, they are usually able resolve the issue without our interference.

So, while our kids still know various ways to torture me and drive Jeff crazy, they have made tremendous progress, and are growing more each day. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves of that to keep things in perspective.

Elle wrote an interesting post over at Unexpected Miracles which encouraged me to enter into the debate about kids' names. When we began the process of adopting our kids, I was often asked, "Are you going to keep their Russian names?" My response to this question was, "Probably not." I conceded that we might keep their Russian names as middle names, but secretly, I planned on changing the whole thing. You see, I have been selecting names for my kids since I was 5. I had a whole list that I had been maintaining, through the years, with certain names scratched out and others added as they fell in and out of favor. I knew, without a doubt, that I would select the perfect names for my children.

When I was a young child, the names I picked for my future children were "Jonathan" and "Gayle," although I was also quite fond of "Joyce." As I grew, my name preferences changed. During my teen years, I went through a whole western phase: "Colton" for a boy and "Cheyenne" for a girl. When it finally came time for Jeff and I to start our family, my grandmother had passed away, so I was positive that I would be using a shortened version of her name, Rosemarie, in my daughter's name. The name I chose was "Kennedy Rose." This preference did not change for several years. For a boy, my list was a bit longer, but my favorite was "Lincoln James." Of course, that brought the problem of having two kids named after assassinated presidents. You know the whole, "Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy, and Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln" thing. So, I had "Adelaide" as a second choice for a girl and "Colin" as my boy emergency back-up.

There was only one small snag. Jeff hated all my boy names. He thought of a variety of malicious ways other kids would pick on our son because of his name, and nixed every single selection on my list. Finally, in frustration, I said, "Why don't you pick a name then?!" He chose one name, and one name only: Eamon (pronounced "A-mun"). So, our new name choice for a boy was "Eamon James."

However, life has a way of changing your plans. A few years back, Jeff's mother was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer. During her brief battle with the disease, we became pregnant, and I felt very strongly that if the child was a girl, we should give her Jeff's mom's name, Ina (pronounced "Ee-nah") for a middle name. While Ina was in the hospital, I told her of our name plans. She smiled and said, with as much enthusiasm as she could muster while under the influence of morphine, "I think that's a great idea!" Ina passed away a few days later, and not long after that, I lost the baby. However, our decision to honor Ina by naming our daughter after her remained, making our new name choice for a girl, "Kennedy Ina."

Of course, all this time, we were planning on adopting an infant and a toddler. Children with short pasts, who had not really grown accustomed to their names. I even began lifebooks with their new names. Then we got the referral for a 4 year old girl named Viktoria (Vika for short) and a nearly 3 year old boy named Nikolay. Frankly, Vika's Russian nickname (pronounced "Vee-kah") fit her much better than Kennedy did, and since she was older and knew her Russian family, we felt that it was important for her to keep that connection with them. After all, her name and a cross around her neck (from the baptism her great grandmother had performed on her), were all Vika had left from her Russian family. For similar reasons, we decided to keep Eamon's Russian name as his middle name, thus making our two children, Victoria Ina and Eamon Nikolay.

In the end, I didn't wind up choosing either of my kids' names. Am I disappointed by this? A little. However, while my kids names never appeared on any of my lists, they fit them perfectly in every way. The idea of Vika being named Kennedy now seems absurd. That's just not her. I do still like the name Lincoln James though, and perhaps someday if we adopt again or get pregnant (perish the thought!), I might get my little Linc after all.

How do you feel about the name game? Did you, or do you plan on keeping your child's birth-name? Or have you selected a new name, to go along with the child's new life?

Maggie over at The Open Window recently wrote an eloquent post entitled Breaking the Cycle. In this post, she mentioned how she is aware that once she adopts her son, she will be in a position to break the cycle of abuse which can occur in families for generations.

Perhaps I'm just dense, but I had never really thought about our adoption in this way before. Vika and Eamon are the second generation of orphanage placements in their birth family. Their Russian mother, aunts and uncles were all raised in orphanages, mostly as a result of the alcohol abuse and neglect by their mother (Vika and Eamon's Russian grandmother). Vika and Eamon wound up being placed in an orphanage by their Russian Mama for the very same reasons. Perhaps, if they had continued to live in such an environment, Vika and Eamon may have one day wound up abusing alcohol and neglecting their own kids? I'm not sure, but with the numbers of cases showing patterns of abuse in families, it is entirely possible.

This idea of "breaking the cycle" was reinforced recently as I observed my kids during playtime. Their favorite game to play is "Mama and Papa." Often, Jeff or I are asked to take the role of "baby," and in the past, this mainly consisted of us being reprimanded and forced to lay in a bed by our "Vika Mama" and "Eamon Papa." One disturbing episode even included the "baby" being put in a cage because she was having bad manners (I hope this was just a child's perception of being placed in a crib). As we began implementing time-ins and other disciplinary measures, these methods became reflected in our kids' play. I have often seen Vika or Eamon placing one of their "kids" (stuffed animals or dolls) in a time-in for hitting or spitting. Vika frequently teaches her kids how to have good manners in various pretend situations, and when they break a rule, she will give them a "minus 5" (minutes of TV time). When Vika first began playing the role of Mama, she was generally harsh and bossy with her kids. But over time, she has become more gentle and calm, talking to the kids quietly and giving them frequent hugs.

For Christmas, Eamon received a Raggedy Andy doll from my childhood friend, Kathy. He loves this doll, and now Andy is the "baby" of choice when Eamon plays Papa. The other day, while I was helping Eamon clean his room, I had Andy sitting on my lap, and pretended that he was offering words of encouragement and cheering Eamon on. But, then I began to have Andy tease Eamon a bit with bad manners (much in the same way Eamon acts up when I am cleaning - my version of playroom karma). Eamon's reaction to this showed me very clearly just how much Jeff and I are role models for him and Vika.

He calmly walked up to Andy and got down on one knee, bringing himself to Andy's level. He looked the doll in the eye and said, "Raggedy Andy, I feel sad when you do that. Stop, please!" I made Andy be contrite, and had him apologize for his hurtful words. Eamon listened quietly and said, "That's OK. I forgive you." Then he gave Andy a hug, smiled, and resumed cleaning his room.

These changes in my kids' mock parenting demonstrates the evolution of their view of a Mama and Papa's role in the family. And it makes sense, really. How can a child raised in an orphanage or a dysfunctional family learn what it means to be a parent? Vika and Eamon's own birth mother certainly was not given the tools to effectively raise children.

I have never thought of our adoption in terms of "saving" or "rescuing" our children from a horrible life. I know that they give as much to us as we give to them (in fact, they probably give us more). But, when I think about how the pattern of abuse and neglect may have continued in Vika and Eamon's life, had they not been adopted, it gives our adoption of them a much more profound meaning. This realization has also given me even more incentive to keep my patience in difficult situations (something I have been struggling with a bit in recent months).

So, thanks Maggie, for opening my eyes to the bigger picture (and for pointing out something which I really should have been aware of before).