Four Feet More

As you can tell from my posts over the last couple of weeks, life at our house has not been a bit choppy. This summer has been especially difficult because I had gotten used to having just Eamon with me during the day, while Vika was at school. The two of us got a long great, and I was able to do all sorts of chores and run errands while Eamon kept me company. I became a bit spoiled, I guess.

Then, when Vika went on summer break, all of a sudden I had two kids clamoring for my attention all day, every day. I also was being constantly tugged back into the role of referee, as they came to me to solve their various battles. Jeff and I generally take a back seat during Vika and Eamon's fights, encouraging them to talk to each other and find a way to solve the problem themselves. But even this gets draining when you are repeating the process ten times a day.

I know, woe is me, right? I did sign on for this instant-mother-of-two role when I chose to adopt, after all. And for the most part, I enjoy it, despite the difficult times.

However, during the last few weeks the kids have been especially testy and have reverted to behaviors I thought we got past a year ago. It is discouraging to see your child come so far, only to have him/her go tumbling back to where they were before. We've had a hard time understanding what caused this setback.

Looking back, it all seemed to start around the time we went to enroll Eamon in preschool. Vika became angry because she felt Eamon was getting special attention (she isn't the only one with a school to go to now). Eamon seems happy enough about going to school, but perhaps there is a little bit of fear in him that is manifesting itself in overly reactive behavior? And maybe both kids are feeling a little anxious about being in school full-time while both Jeff and I work? I can really think of no other reason for this setback.

As for Listening Camp, it did seem to work really well with Eamon. He's been steadily getting back to where he was and has been less inclined to react so intensely to disappointments. Vika, however, is made of much sterner stuff (is anyone surprised?). She's a strong girl who had to take care of herself for too long. She is constantly trying to maintain some sense of control over her world, and part of her still doesn't fully trust us to make sure everything is all right.

We tried a bunch of different parenting tricks to help our kids make better choices, but for some reason, we were not having much success. Then came a comment from Suzanne in response to my Going to Give it a Try post. She wished us luck with Listening Camp and also mentioned that the Love & Logic book was working well with her kids.

Of course! Jeff and I had been using the Love & Logic approach fairly early on with Vika and Eamon, but had gradually let it go by the wayside. There was no reason really, it just sort of happened. Perhaps we were tired, or maybe we were just lazy, but we had reverted to the cajole-and-punish method of parenting, which is not very effective for either of our kids. Suzanne's comment, combined with an incident when I caught myself whining to Vika (the horror!), helped redirect me to the Love & Logic book for some serious reevaluation of my parenting tactics. So far, the L&L techniques have been working really well for us. Jeff and I are less stressed out, and are enjoying parenting again. However, the kids are a bit freaked that they have to start making choices for themselves. It's actually quite interesting to see how they handle their new responsibilities.

Yesterday, it seemed that we exorcised a demon from Vika when she was faced with the dilemma of completing some sight word practice to get her ready for 1st grade. She tried to take control of the situation by refusing to do the work, so I let her stop. Instead of fighting with her, I focused on Eamon's writing practice and told Vika that she could go play in her room while Eamon and I finished. This was not what she wanted to hear at all. She wanted me to react and fight! The next 20 minutes was a combination of Vika hitting (something she almost never does), screaming, and finally, putting on a show of hysterics that would make Meryl Streep proud. ("I can't breathe!" followed by some loud hiccuping-type of noises, gurgling and forced coughs. Then she made her eyes all wide and ineffectively tried to roll them back into her head).

As Eamon and I watched her, he leaned towards me and said, "Mama, Vika's being kind of silly." I agreed, and Vika almost cracked a smile. Then she remembered that she was supposed to be dying, and the theatrics started up again. But, as she realized that we weren't buying it, her heart didn’t seem to be in the performance anymore, and finally, she gave up. Afterwards, she came down, returned to her seat at the table, and finished her sight word practice with no further complaints.

Success! That was quite a breakthrough, in my opinion. Both for Vika and for me.

So thank you blogging community! Thanks for offering support, ideas, and redirection, even though you may not be aware that you are doing it. Parenting is a difficult job, but hearing from others who are in the same boat makes the rough patches much easier to navigate.