Four Feet More

Recently, Maggie of AmeriKid asked me to write a guest post on ChatterKid.  You can check it out here. 

While you're there, check out some of the older posts and the AmeriKid site.  They've got some great information and cool toys for kids of all ages.

November is National Adoption Awareness Month, and to honor families that have come together through adoption, Elle (of Sweet Hope fame) has invited several of us to be guest posters on her blog. My post is up today (click here to read it). Another adoptive parent, Suzanne, (a wonderful mother whom I wish I was more like!) also wrote a post, which you can read here.

Elle will be featuring guest posts all month long, so check her blog, Life of Elle, regularly to read others' stories of adoption.

Each year, Elle's Sweet Hope organization holds a fundraiser to help orphans worldwide. Elle makes up batches and batches of truffles - in a variety of flavors - and proceeds from the sales go directly to orphanages across the globe. This year she's added caramels to her list of gourmet candies, and this year I am serving as a volunteer sales person.

I have a whole box of samples to give people a taste of just how good these truffles really are. I'm also practicing a tremendous amount of restraint in not eating the whole lot myself! Because I've done that before. But it's OK because I'm eating chocolate for a good cause, right? Well, you can too. If you're someone I see in real life, feel free to ask for a sample. If not then, please click on the Sweet Hope image above to get to the website, where you can purchase a box of truffles for your family. The candy will be on sale from November 9-27th, and will ship out on December 16th, just in time for the holidays.

Please help us make life a little sweeter for children living in orphanages all over the world.

This weekend marked a very special occasion. On Sunday evening, my good friend Jaime got married to a great guy, and I had the honor of being her bridesmaid (which I prefer to the more stout sounding "brides matron").

James and I met nearly 15 years ago while working at a highly dysfunctional Pet Hospital, which despite being populated with crazy people was where I met my three best friends (not sure what that says about me - make of it what you will). I worked there first, and was joined by Mel a few years later. Then Jaime entered our group as the "young one", and the three of us have been friends ever since (for those of you keeping count, the third best friend I met at the Pet Hospital was Jeff - the UPS guy who made our deliveries). Despite having vastly different personalities, the three of us just work well together. We accept each other’s eccentricities and annoying personality traits, and our time together is always filled with lots of laughter.

This weekend was no different. Between games of Bocce Ball, spa treatments at Mel’s house and a slumber party Saturday night, were moments of doubled over laughter. However, the most memorable events occurred at the wedding reception.

Being the good bridesmaids and friends that we are, Mel and I swore to be “on it” for Jaime, no matter what. Well, these duties went a little further than I had imagined. Assistance in the bathroom I could easily predict because hey, wedding dresses are big and unwieldy. Can’t have them getting soiled while the bride does her business. What I did not anticipate however, was the rogue toilet-seat cover that attempted to stick with James as she was leaving the stall. I definitely took one for the team when I removed that thing! Then there was the bizarre incident (this happened several times, really), where Mel, James and I were the only people on the dance floor. During “Hey Ya!” by Outcast, the rest of the wedding guests were sitting back, watching the three of us dance as if we were on stage or something. Even the photographers were surrounding us, taking pictures. It was as if there was some tradition of the Bride/Bridemaids dance or something. So bizarre. And I felt like a complete ass because truthfully, I’m not the most gifted dancer, and having everyone’s attention on me as I attempted to “shake my groove thang” was torturous. But, Jaime wanted to dance, so dance I did with a big smile plastered to my face.

Unfortunately, when a couple joined us on the dance floor, it was the mother-of-the-groom (who is in her late fifties) and her 34-year-old boyfriend. Now, I’m not going to judge her too harshly for choosing a cougar lifestyle. Hey, more power to her, really. I will however, judge her for her and her Boy Toy’s antics on the dance floor. Let’s just say that there was a lot of grouping, grinding, and general unseemliness going on. At one point, mother-of-the-groom was straddling Boy Toy, legs locked around his waist as he ground into her. It was not becoming. In fact, I flashed back to junior high, where school dances always consisted of clumps of girls dancing, boys all sitting/standing on the outskirts of the room, too “cool” to join in, and the creepy couple making out on the dance floor. Fortunately, Jaime and Patric seemed able to blow the whole thing off and have a good time anyway.

Despite his mother’s unfortunate choice of boyfriends, Patric really is a great guy and is perfect for Jaime. During the first half of our 15-year friendship, James was with a pretty damaging person who did not come close to deserving her. I’m so happy to see her settling down with a man who truly loves her for who she is, and will put up with her, rogue toilet seat covers and all.

Congratulations Jaime and Patric! I hope you both are having a wonderful honeymoon and look forward to hanging out when you get back!

Maggie, whom many of you know from "The Open Window," is up for a blogger talent contest! She's an amazing writer and has a wealth of great experience to share relating both to her domestic adoption of Slugger and the challenges she faces as the parent of a son with special needs. I think a lot of readers could benefit from her insights and wisdom, so please, go to this link and cast your vote for Maggie!


Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

As anyone who's ever adopted internationally knows, it can get pretty expensive. Also, if you've visited an orphanage in another country, you have seen the great need of the children living in those facilities. After adopting her own son from Russia, Elle decided to give back by starting Sweet Hope. Every year she makes awesome truffles, which she then sells and donates the proceeds to an adoption-related cause. In the past, she's donated funds to pre-adoptive families who were having difficulty covering their adoption expenses, and last year she put the money toward buying Christmas gifts for children living at an orphanage in Khabarovsk, Russia.

This year, Elle is thinking bigger, and she needs help. Her plan is to do a benefit concert to raise even more funds to donate to orphanages in Russia this Christmas. You can read more about her plans here: Then I go and Get All Super Crazy.

If you would like to help in any way, Elle could use your assistance. It is a truly great cause. Neither Vika nor Eamon had ever received a present before they joined our family (their first full day home was actually Christmas day, and that must have been quite a shock!). Gifts such as warm clothing, books, games and toys are desperately needed in Russian orphanages, and showing the children that someone outside of the orphanage cares for them is a wonderful gift too. Perhaps you can help make Christmas a little brighter this year for a child in need?

For some time, I've been following the adoption journey of Kate, a blogger friend who has been waiting an extraordinarily long time to bring her d2b (daughter-to-be) home. She's often compared her adoption process to the gestation period of an elephant (which is 2 years), however, her "paper pregnancy" has gone on for much longer. Finally an end is in sight, and Kate is getting close to bringing d2b home.

Since Kate lives in Russia and doesn't have any family near by, a couple of blogger friends threw her an online shower this morning. We were supposed to all post a picture of us eating cake to celebrate the shower, but unfortunately, I was down with a wicked dizzy spell, and I'm afraid my nausea would have made the after-effects of eating cake extremely unpleasant.

So, in honor of Kate and her d2b, here is the slice of cake I would have liked to have eaten: Boston Cream Pie.
Doesn't it look scrumptious?

Kate has taken her blog offline in order to protect the privacy of her adoption hearings. However, once the adoption is final and "d2b" is simply her daughter, I will let you know so that you may follow Kate's journey as a new mother to a precious little girl!

In the meantime I would like Kate to know that all of us here at Four Feet More are sending warm thoughts her way and crossing fingers, toes and eyes in the hopes that her court date comes soon! Best of luck!

Thanks Melissa for awarding me the "Honest Scrap" blog award!

Since I'm still getting over my cold, and feeling too lazy to write anything of substance, I thought I'd post a few fun things that were sent to me recently by friends.

The first is this Geek Soap, which you can buy on Etsy. J9 sent me the link, and I think it would be perfect for Matte (who proposed to Cathy wearing a "geek" T-shirt). Be sure to read through the entire product description.

The second is from a "See Dee" sent to Vika and Eamon by Michelle. This is by far the kids' favorite song (an a capella Star Wars/John Williams tribute), and they've been listening to it over, and over, and over again.... enjoy!

Some of you may have noticed a new addition to my sidebar. Down the page a bit, under the blogroll sections, is a sample of some of the items on sale at the Simple Wishes store on etsy. Rachel who adopted her daughter Katya from Russia, started this project to help children in Russian orphanages have a brighter holiday season. All of the products are handmade, and many of them have a Russian flair, such as the aprons made from Russia fabrics and the mugs with the word "chai" (Russian for "tea") written on them in Cyrillic. 100% of the proceeds from the sales of these items go directly to the Simple Wishes Russian orphanage donation, to grant a child's simple wish this Christmas.

I encourage you to check out the store and browse through the items. If the "shelves" look a little bare, never fear! More items will be posted soon. It's all for a good cause, so you can shop guilt-free. :)

This is my BFF, Mel. Mel and I met about 15 years ago when we were both working at The Pet Hospital (a highly dysfunctional place where I met my 3 best friends). Our first impressions of each other were not complimentary. She was hired to cover my position while I was doing summer school in London. Naturally, she assumed that I was a rich, spoiled, brat. After all, who else gets to study abroad? (BTW, I used school loans to pay for the trip, and am neither rich nor spoiled. The brat part is open to debate). When I returned to work and met Mel, she had this long, curly rocker-girl hair, and was wearing stretch acid-wash jeans. “Oh my, she’s one of those”, I thought (I was also a bit of a “rocker-girl,” but would NEVER wear stretch acid jeans. *shudder*).

Anyway, despite our first impressions and many differences, we soon became fast friends, and have been so ever since. We’ve been through so much together that Mel is more of like family to me now, rather than just a friend. My kids call her “Auntie Mel,” and her children are “cousins” to mine.

Yesterday, we packed the kids into the car and headed to the beach to meet Mel’s family. Mad and Chadly (Mel’s kids) are 1.5 and 3 years old – much younger than my kids. However, they still enjoy playing with each other, and Vika is a bit of a mother hen to them all. In fact, Eamon plans to marry Mad when he grows up, and Vika wants to marry Chadly (even though he's 4 years younger).

It was a typical gray, slightly windy, Northern California day. The kids ran around on the beach, ate sandwiches laced with sand, and rode a makeshift driftwood teeter-totter. Mel's husband, Chad, got some much needed rest (he's a stay-at-home dad), and Jeff got a nice break from the office. Of course, no beach trip is complete without Eamon falling into the water. We pack extra clothes every time we go for this very reason. The boy has not learned that when he looks down into the waves, he gets dizzy, loses his balance, and falls. At least this time he continued to have fun – in the past such falls would traumatize him. He was sure there was a shark in the surf, just waiting to gobble him up.

Even though the weather was less-than-summery, our trip to the beach was a great little get-away with good friends.

Here are some more pictures from our day:

That was the gauntlet thrown down by our beloved Kate, and I tried to rise to the occasion. I will confess, I had quite a bit of difficulty. I even appealed to mom for assistance.

The one that kept running through my head was: "Bad haircuts grow out. Thank God." That's because this week, I got a haircut that wasn't bad, per se, but my bangs are now entirely too short. I look like a schoolgirl from the 50's. Which, if you are a fan of Lily Allen, may seem like a design choice. However, Lily Allen I am not, thankyouverymuch. In fact, I don't even like her, so the short bangs thing is not the look I was going for. Oh well. They'll grow.

What I finally settled on (which kind of falls into the whole bad haircut thing too, if you twist your head to the side and look at it just right) is this:


Life: organized chaos and accidental adventures.

That pretty much sums it all up. Life certainly doesn't go the way you plan. If it did, I'd be living on a ranch in Arizona right now with a husband I married at the age of 26, and two kids that I had at the ages of 28 and 30 (through pregnancy and childbirth, of course). I'd also be an archaeologist and would have found the lost city of Atlantis. But alas (I did that for you Kate), life did not turn out as I planned. However, through a series of fortuitous accidents and chaotic adventures, my life organized itself into exactly what it should be.

Plus, accidental adventures are much more fun than planned ones, don't you think? We had such an adventure today. Jeff, the kids and I went on a hike to a regional park recommended by a friend. We pulled out the park map, and began our hike to "Little Yosemite." Except that we took the wrong trail. We thought we were on the right trail, until we saw a sign indicating that we were now walking parallel and above of where we really wanted to be. Oh well, we thought. We'll take this trail and see where it leads. Not the best idea, as it turns out. The path led to a smaller trail, which we followed through increasingly rugged terrain. We were crawling under low branches, weaving through poison oak bushes, and stepping over rotting logs. Finally, we dead-ended at a creek, which while quite lovely, was not part of any trail in the park. Apparently we had wondered off onto a deer path.

Never one to back-track, Jeff scouted his way across the creek, and found an abandoned campsite which was next to a dirt road. We gingerly led the kids across the creek, over slippery, algae covered boulders. I looked down and saw clumps of little leeches clinging to the rocks and swaying in the current. I did NOT want any of us to fall into that water! At last (again for you, Kate), we made it safely across and onto the dirt road. Which, as it turns out, led us to the Little Yosemite area we were headed for in the first place.

So you see? Even though we took an entirely different path than the one we planned, we still wound up right where we wanted to be.

Sorry I've been so bad about blogging lately (and bad about reading your blogs!). I've been pretty busy and, needless to say, there is a lot to catch up on. I will attempt to do a tiny bit of that now.

The week began with a Monday, as it always does. As I was getting ready for work, I went to close my bedroom door, putting my hand around the knob with fingers holding the edge of the door. Then, I proceeded to shut the door, with my hand still in that position, and smashed my middle finger. Every time I look at the black bruise in the center of my fingernail, I am reminded of what an idiot I am.

The rest of the day wasn't much better. After school I had a meeting with Vika's teacher and the principal about the lack of interventions being done to support her learning. This was a follow-up to the meeting I had with the teacher two weeks ago, in which she said she would not be doing any interventions for Vika, would not be using her Friday afternoon movie time for additional instruction, and told me that while Vika is not meeting grade-level standards, she is also not low enough to require intervention. When I said it felt like Vika was slipping through the cracks, the teacher looked me right in the eye and said, "Sometimes that happens." As you can imagine, I was less than satisfied with this response.

At Monday's meeting, I laid out all Vika's reading comprehension tests, with big, red "F"s, "D"s and "C"s on them, and asked what we could do to improve these scores. The teacher began a relentless attack of me that continued throughout the meeting. She was very defensive that I was questioning her teaching style, and the principal did what she could to talk around my concerns. Finally, after they told me that they didn't want to do any extra interventions because they wanted all children to start out on "the same playing field," I did something I swore I would never do. I pulled the "adoption card."

My frustrated response to their statement was, "Is every child on the same playing field? Is my child, who has only been speaking English for 2 years, and who spent the first 4 and a half years of her life in extreme poverty and neglect, on the same playing field as a child who has been raised from birth with two supportive, English-speaking parents? All children do NOT start out on the same playing field, and to think so it a bit short-sighted." At this point, the principal jumped right on board with me and began scribbling down a plan to help Vika catch up with her reading comprehension. The teacher still resisted at every turn, but at least now I have a plan in place, and really, I'm just counting down the weeks until my child is out of her class. Hopefully I can do some work over the summer to get Vika more prepared for 2nd grade.

At least Monday ended nicely, and Jeff and I were able to do a mini-anniversary celebration.

Tuesday brought the dreaded California State Testing for my class. 2 and a half hours, and nearly 30 pages of reading comprehension questions! The students were definitely squirrelly after that. I can't say I blame them, really. Those types of standardized tests are enough to drive anyone mad.

Tuesday afternoon, I came home to an unexpected surprise. On the counter was a package, addressed to me and waiting to be opened. Imagine my delight when inside were my PIF gifts from Starfish! I think you may remember these from a post she did a while back:

I confess, when I read that post, I secretly hoped that she would make me similar items for PIF. I’ve already got my sock project stuffed into the sock bag (one sock is done, the other is nearly half-way complete), and now my heaps of knitting needles are carefully arranged in the straight needle holder. Thanks so much Starfish! After a kind of weird couple of days, your gift brightened my mood and left me with a smile on my face.

Wednesday went pretty well until around 5 pm, when I was suddenly overcome with awful stomach cramps. I got violently sick, but seemed to feel better afterwards. Around 5 am Thursday morning, I became queasy again. As I was trying to get ready for school I got sick, and soon realized that I would have to call in an emergency substitute. It's really no fun, scrambling around to get your class covered and make sure that testing is going to be taken care of when all you really want to do is collapse in a heap near the toilet, waiting for the nausea to pass.

Finally, around noon Thursday I began to feel better, and by Friday afternoon, my appetite had completely come back. Perhaps I ate something that was off? Who knows? I’m just glad it’s out of my system!

The week ended on a positive note Friday afternoon, when my principal informed me that she was recommending me for rehire next year. I was relieved at this news, but still didn’t quite know what it meant. I figured this was another hurdle cleared in the “re-hire race,” but that there were still more up ahead. However, when I went into the office on my way out, the principal was there, and she said, “Don’t I get a hug?” I was a bit confused and said, “Umm… OK!” and hugged her. Then it dawned on me…. “Is this it then? Am I definitely coming back next year?” The principal said that it was as good as a done deal, and that my hire letter would say 6th grade, but I would actually be moving into 5th grade. I really like the 5th grade team and am excited about working with them next year. I know I’ll learn a lot, and now will be able to complete my beginning teacher training and clear my credential in California!

What a great way to end a roller-coaster week!

Thank you all for the wonderful suggestions! We have begun implementing a few of them and we'll see how they work. First of all, we've put all writing instruments up out of reach (a bit of a pain, but we'll get used to it after a while). We've also stopped making as big of an issue out of the E's. We kind of figured that the negative attention was what Eamon was after, so we're trying not to give it to him. Instead, we have done a modified version of the "time-in." Eamon sits by us and writes "E"s on a piece of paper. He's getting a lot of praise about how great his writing looks as well as comments about how nice it is to have it on paper (he can show it to his teachers or bring it to Babushka's house). He's filled up almost 2 sheets of paper with little "E"s already and is very proud of his achievement. Perhaps I should have him "graduate" to writing his entire name? He already knows how to do this, but the additional practice might help him as he goes into kindergarten. I just have to be careful because we don't want it to seem like a punishment or a chore - then he may learn to dislike writing.

Another technique we are using is called an "E Hug." It is kind of like what Maggie suggested, but with the added element that the E handshake (we hold three fingers out like an "E") ends with a hug. We've also made a "V Hug" for Vika. Both kids love this, and Eamon has been asking for "E Hugs" a lot.

One thing we haven't tried, which I think we will begin to, is the 5-minutes-of-eye-contact time-in that BT suggested. Thanks for delurking BT, and sharing your experience with us. It is a bit scary to think that attachment issues can surface after a couple years at home, but now that we know it's a possibility, we can re-think the way we approach some of these situations. Revisiting some of those attachment exercises and practicing them on a regular basis sounds like a good idea. While I wouldn't have said Eamon had attachment issues before, I have seen a definite increase in his testing of the rules and our love for him over the past 6 months (he has even taken to shouting "I hate you!" when he's really upset - something that is very out of character for him). So maybe his attachment isn't as secure as we had thought. I bet these techniques would work well with Vika too, since she was closer to their birth mom and has had more difficulty adjusting to her life with us.

Thanks again to all who offered suggestions and support. I will keep you posted on our progress.

I've been shown some Blogger Love by tommie over at Tuesday Update. I found her blog through the now defunct "Stuff Portrait Friday," and have enjoyed reading it over the past year. She's got some beautiful pictures of the kiddos posted right now - check them out!

The rules for this bloggy badge are just for me to spread the love to 10 more blogger buddies. It is tough to pick just 10 since I've come to know so many great people in the blogosphere, but here it goes anyway...

Starfish: Fellow adoptive mom and obsessive knitter. She's cheered me on through some difficult knitting projects, and I think if we didn't live on opposite coasts of the country, we'd be friends IRL.

Melissa: She adopted two kids from Russia, and has been doing an amazing job with them. She's been a great bloggy friend and we seem to have similar perspectives on many things (except the fact that she puts the toilet paper on the roll incorrectly).

Kathy: We've been friends since we were 5, and I'm so glad you joined the blogger community. You, and your family, have been a huge part of my life, and I will always love you!

Mom: You're my mom. 'Nuff said. Plus, you've been a great source of support for me when tackling difficult parenting situations and you've accepted my kids with wide open arms. Thanks.

Cathy: One of my favorite "Chicks in Black!" We made so many great memories together backstage, and even though we are not doing theater work anymore, I enjoy reading your blog and learning of the new memories you are creating with Matte.

Irma: My feistly little El Salvadoran buddy! I love all 4'11" of her. A great friend, an inspiring teacher, and an amazing person. Plus, at the age of 34, she can STILL get into the movies on a child's ticket. I envy her that.

Katie: Another blogger I met through Stuff Portrait Fridays. She's an adult adoptee from Korea and has given me some valuable insights into how my children may see things as they grow up.

Kate: Her perspectives of life as an "ex-pat" living in Russia are always interesting and often humorous.

Trish: Because she's currently in Russia waiting to take home her new daughter, and could probably use a little extra love right now.

Rachel: I enjoy reading her perspective on life with 4 kids, including one older child adopted from Russia.

Kathy, Kate, and Tommie, you are all in for PIF! Please post a similar declaration on your blog, and get ready to pay it forward. Also, if you want to drop any hints about colors or knitted items you may like, that's fine by me. Please e-mail me with your mailing address, so I know where to send your gift (there is a link to my e-mail on my profile page).

Thanks for joining in!

A blogger named Fioleta has offered up a crafty exchange in the form of a (not so) random act of kindness. I actually found out about it through my own bloggy friends, Rachel and Starfish, and am happy to join in and "pay it forward."

Here are the rules:

"I will send a handmade gift (of my choosing) to the first 3 people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this PIF exchange, and who make the same pledge on their own blog. I don’t know what that gift will be yet and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days, that is my promise! The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward."

Anyone interested? If so, drop me a comment! I'll most likely be making knitted gifts, so let me know what colors/items you prefer, and I'll get working on it. Now that my Christmas Gift-Making Extravaganza is over, I find myself with a lack of project ideas. So really, if you sign up to pay it forward, you'd be doing me a favor.

While I may subject you to photos of my kids in the orphanage, and numerous pictures of their Mother Russia, I promise never to ambush you with an unexpected crotch shot.

Have you ever had that happen? While you’re innocently flipping through a friend’s photo album, all of a sudden, BAM! There’s a close-up of her vagina with her baby’s head crowning. Or maybe a topless photo of her breastfeeding. An image that definitely falls under the category of: "Oh…wow. I really didn’t need to see that."

My so-called-friend did that to me. She’s one of those smug jellyfish types, who’s always secretly competing with me and loves to throw out a sting when I least expect it. Such a situation occurred after the birth of her first son. She knew I had miscarried and was having trouble getting pregnant again, but still, she sent me this long e-photo album including numerous shots of her pregnant belly (in one, she was wearing nothing but a bra and yoga pants, and sitting on the floor cradling her pregnant tummy lovingly). I wanted to be a supportive friend, so I skimmed through all those pictures quickly until I got to the part where the actual baby photos should start. That’s when I was ambushed with the vagina and breast images that have forever been seared into my brain. Real nice. However, even then I wasn’t clued into the fact that this photographic onslaught was another way in which she was trying to demonstrate her superiority over me. The light bulb finally went on after she tossed out the comment, “You can’t really understand how amazing motherhood is until you’ve been pregnant and given birth.” At the time, we had not yet adopted Vika and Eamon, so I was stunned speechless. I don’t remember what I said, but I’m sure I tried to play off the hurt her comments caused. Past dealings with her had taught me that such a reaction was exactly what she was hoping for.

But now, when I think back to the comment, I actually feel sorry for her. If she truly believes what she said, then she has no idea what motherhood is all about. After adopting my kids, I learned that being a mom is not about experiencing pregnancy and birth. It’s not even about going through the newborn phase, dealing with all the late-night feedings and sleep deprivation. While those experiences are certainly a part of motherhood for many women, not experiencing those things does not make you any less of a mother. True motherhood is about the day-to-day interactions with your child. Listening to them prattle on and on about something they did at school or a game they played with a friend. Soothing them when they are hurt or sick. Giving them hugs and kisses just because you can. And having them run up to you with their arms thrown wide, overjoyed to see you after even the briefest of separations. Motherhood is all those things and more.

Knowing all this has helped me come to a place where such thoughtless comments don’t sting as much as they used to. Now I just think that it must be sad to go through life being so completely ignorant or uncaring of the feelings of those around you. It is also kind of sad that such people cannot see the specialness or value of families that may have started differently than their own.

Starfish's recent, excellent post, really hit a nerve with me, and should be required reading for everyone who interacts with women. Check it out if you have a minute. She pretty much covers everything. However, I'd like to add my $0.2 here as well.

If you know someone who is adopting, PLEASE don't ask them if they tried IVF so they could have "their own" children. My children are my own. Period.

And if the adoptive parents, like me, did not do IVF, acting as if they didn't try hard enough to get pregnant is not helpful. Knowing when to stop fertility treatments is a personal decision that will be different for everyone. Respect their decision and move on.

That's all. Thank you.

In Northern California, we have a pretty strong FRUA group, but unfortunately, they are not so strong in my part of Northern California. So, in the interest of building bridges between families and all that crap, I decided to start a FRUA branch in our area. Sometimes, like the ill-fated Pumpkin Patch Trip, things don't work out so well. But other times, everything comes together nicely and we have a great turnout. Saturday was one of those times. Together with a very active FRUA Educational Coordinator, I set up a Lifebooking Seminar for families in my area. About 15 people showed up! It was great to get together, learn about lifebooking, and get some tips from a Creative Memories consultant.

However, there were two definite highlights to the day. The first was that I finally got to meet a blogger friend in real life! Stef, the beloved wife of everyone's favorite dad-in-waiting, Steve, was at the seminar. It was wonderful to finally meet her in person, although we both did feel a moment of awkwardness because, as she put it, "I feel like I've been spying on you all this time." But, we soon got over that and had a nice chat. She's a great person, and I hope to see her at future events. Maybe if I'm lucky, Steve and Baby A will attend too!

The other great thing about yesterday occurred when I was looking through another family's lifebook. On the pages about the birth family, they had actual pictures of the Russian Mama, big brother, and niece (yes, her 7 year old daughter has a niece in Russia who's about 5 years old). She also had baby pictures of her child, whom she had adopted at 4 years of age (like Vika). I was completely stunned, and more than a little envious. What a gift to have all that documentation on the birth family! God, how I wish I had baby pictures of Vika and Eamon. How did she get this information, I wondered. She replied that she had done a birth family search through a couple in St. Petersburg (who I think may be the same people Margaret told me about a while back). She not only got photos and background info, but she got a video of the birth family as well!

It all seemed so surreal. I know about Vika and Eamon's birth family, and have heard some stories of their life, but they are still shadowy figures to me. People without faces or form, whose motives I have a hard time understanding. Seeing those pictures and hearing the relinquishment and adoption stories from the birth family's perspective all of a sudden makes them seem so much more real. I would love to be able to have that info on my kids' Russian Family. It would be amazing to see their Russian Babushka, whom Vika loves so much, as well as their Russian Mama, whom Vika is supposed to be the spitting image of. Did Eamon get his fair coloring from his Russian Papa? Do they have any other siblings? All those questions might be answered.

I also think it could be an amazing gift to Vika and Eamon, to have more of a link to their past. I can see how that might backfire a bit - maybe it would be too painful for them to see? Maybe it's not a good idea to dredge up old memories of loneliness and neglect? But in the end, wouldn't the benefits far outweigh the negatives? Could doing such a search also give some kind of closure to the birth family? Maybe it would help them to know that their children are well taken care of, and that their new family honors where they come from, rather than trying to hide or ignore the family that gave them life. I'm not sure. But I am pretty sure that I want to pursue a birth family search for my kids. Hopefully it will work out well and we will get some information that will help our kids as they grow older and start to ask more questions.

Have any of you done a birth family search? If so, how did it work out for you?

*** UPDATE ***
A regular reader of my blog, who also happens to be an adult adoptee, made a very interesting point about birth family searches, which I would like to share with you all. Even though her parents always told her they would be supportive and help out if she decided to do a birth family search as an adult, when the time came where she did finally initiate the search, she said that telling her parents was one of the hardest things she has ever done. I imagine that there could be a lot of fear that maybe an adoptee's parents might feel hurt or rejected if he/she wants to find or get info on the birth family.

By initiating that search for our children, we can eliminate some of that future angst that they might feel when wanting to know more about their birth families.

As you can tell from my posts over the last couple of weeks, life at our house has not been a bit choppy. This summer has been especially difficult because I had gotten used to having just Eamon with me during the day, while Vika was at school. The two of us got a long great, and I was able to do all sorts of chores and run errands while Eamon kept me company. I became a bit spoiled, I guess.

Then, when Vika went on summer break, all of a sudden I had two kids clamoring for my attention all day, every day. I also was being constantly tugged back into the role of referee, as they came to me to solve their various battles. Jeff and I generally take a back seat during Vika and Eamon's fights, encouraging them to talk to each other and find a way to solve the problem themselves. But even this gets draining when you are repeating the process ten times a day.

I know, woe is me, right? I did sign on for this instant-mother-of-two role when I chose to adopt, after all. And for the most part, I enjoy it, despite the difficult times.

However, during the last few weeks the kids have been especially testy and have reverted to behaviors I thought we got past a year ago. It is discouraging to see your child come so far, only to have him/her go tumbling back to where they were before. We've had a hard time understanding what caused this setback.

Looking back, it all seemed to start around the time we went to enroll Eamon in preschool. Vika became angry because she felt Eamon was getting special attention (she isn't the only one with a school to go to now). Eamon seems happy enough about going to school, but perhaps there is a little bit of fear in him that is manifesting itself in overly reactive behavior? And maybe both kids are feeling a little anxious about being in school full-time while both Jeff and I work? I can really think of no other reason for this setback.

As for Listening Camp, it did seem to work really well with Eamon. He's been steadily getting back to where he was and has been less inclined to react so intensely to disappointments. Vika, however, is made of much sterner stuff (is anyone surprised?). She's a strong girl who had to take care of herself for too long. She is constantly trying to maintain some sense of control over her world, and part of her still doesn't fully trust us to make sure everything is all right.

We tried a bunch of different parenting tricks to help our kids make better choices, but for some reason, we were not having much success. Then came a comment from Suzanne in response to my Going to Give it a Try post. She wished us luck with Listening Camp and also mentioned that the Love & Logic book was working well with her kids.

Of course! Jeff and I had been using the Love & Logic approach fairly early on with Vika and Eamon, but had gradually let it go by the wayside. There was no reason really, it just sort of happened. Perhaps we were tired, or maybe we were just lazy, but we had reverted to the cajole-and-punish method of parenting, which is not very effective for either of our kids. Suzanne's comment, combined with an incident when I caught myself whining to Vika (the horror!), helped redirect me to the Love & Logic book for some serious reevaluation of my parenting tactics. So far, the L&L techniques have been working really well for us. Jeff and I are less stressed out, and are enjoying parenting again. However, the kids are a bit freaked that they have to start making choices for themselves. It's actually quite interesting to see how they handle their new responsibilities.

Yesterday, it seemed that we exorcised a demon from Vika when she was faced with the dilemma of completing some sight word practice to get her ready for 1st grade. She tried to take control of the situation by refusing to do the work, so I let her stop. Instead of fighting with her, I focused on Eamon's writing practice and told Vika that she could go play in her room while Eamon and I finished. This was not what she wanted to hear at all. She wanted me to react and fight! The next 20 minutes was a combination of Vika hitting (something she almost never does), screaming, and finally, putting on a show of hysterics that would make Meryl Streep proud. ("I can't breathe!" followed by some loud hiccuping-type of noises, gurgling and forced coughs. Then she made her eyes all wide and ineffectively tried to roll them back into her head).

As Eamon and I watched her, he leaned towards me and said, "Mama, Vika's being kind of silly." I agreed, and Vika almost cracked a smile. Then she remembered that she was supposed to be dying, and the theatrics started up again. But, as she realized that we weren't buying it, her heart didn’t seem to be in the performance anymore, and finally, she gave up. Afterwards, she came down, returned to her seat at the table, and finished her sight word practice with no further complaints.

Success! That was quite a breakthrough, in my opinion. Both for Vika and for me.

So thank you blogging community! Thanks for offering support, ideas, and redirection, even though you may not be aware that you are doing it. Parenting is a difficult job, but hearing from others who are in the same boat makes the rough patches much easier to navigate.