Four Feet More

Why, you ask? Well, because I’m cooking a turkey. My first turkey ever, in fact! You see, I don’t cook. Ever. That’s strictly Jeff’s department. But today, he’s got an open house, and since we wanted our own turkey so that we could have Thanksgiving leftovers, it’s up to me to cook the dang thing. So here I am, in the kitchen, experiencing that time-honored American tradition of “roasting the bird.”

I’ve got oven mitts on, my basting thingy at the ready, and veggies prepared to chop for the stuffing. All that’s missing is a Donna Reed apron.

Step one – Let Jeff take out the gizzards, neck and other miscellaneous organs from the turkey because… yuck. I don’t do innards.

Step two – Jeff puts the turkey on a roasting rack over some chopped up vegetables and slathers it with butter.

(“Hey! Why’s Jeff doing all the work?” you say. “I thought YOU were supposed to be cooking this turkey!” Well, just wait for it…. Enter Jenni, stage left).

Step three – I begin preparing stuffing to fill up the bird’s cavities (ick). The tricky part is chopping the onions. My eyes are extremely sensitive to the fumes and from past experience I know that within minutes I will be a tearing, red-eyed mess. As a preventative measure, I get Jeff’s safety goggles from his toolbox and put them on. Ah, that should do it.

Step four - Vika and Eamon come downstairs and see me cooking stuffing with safety goggles on. Much laughing ensues, and when they finally catch their breath, Eamon gasps out, “Mama! Why are you wearing Papa’s work glasses??!!!” I shoo them out of the kitchen and get back to stirring the stuffing.

Step five – Stuffing is ready, so I take out the turkey and begin filling the cavities (eww). It becomes immediately apparent that I have made WAY too much stuffing! Crap. What the heck am I going to do with the rest of this stuff? I set it back on the burner for now and get back to work on the bird.

Step six – Dressing and trussing the turkey. I dip some cheesecloth in a white wine and butter mixture and gently place it across the top and on the legs (a la Martha Stewart). Then I attempt to skewer the back cavity closed for roasting. Hmmm… this turkey skin is tougher than I thought…. Damn. That’s one skewer broken! OK… let’s try again. This time, I get the skewer through, but not before breaking the tip off and nearly impaling my hand in the process. Next, I fold the neck skin under the bird and decide not to skewer that part (even though Jeff left instructions to do so. The bird is too heavy and I’m not sure I could manage skewering again without causing injury to myself). Finally, I grab the turkey’s legs, lift them up high, and tie them securely together with some twine. After feeling a moment of sadness for the indignities this turkey has suffered, I place it in the oven and begin the roasting process.

Step seven – (30 minutes later) I open the oven to baste the turkey with the white wine and butter mixture. Steam and heat shoot out of the oven, temporarily blinding me! I whip my head away, nearly falling to the floor and take some time to recover my vision. Once I can see again, I return to the oven (which is no longer blasting out heat) and proceed to baste the turkey. For some reason, I can't lift up the handles on the roasting pan. I approach them from several angles, but can only manage to lift up one (damn oven mitts!). Finally, I grab the pan by the edge, hoping that I don't drop the turkey, lift and place it on the open over door (is this thing sturdy enough to hold a 21 lb bird?), and quickly baste the turkey. Repeat process (with significantly less drama during the opening of the oven part) every half hour for two hours.

Step eight - *sniff, sniff * What’s that smell…? Ack! The leftover stuffing is burning! I quickly rush to the stove to stir the stuffing, trying to mix in the burnt parts and hoping no one will notice. After throwing away a few charred onions, I pack the stuffing into a leftover container and place it safely in the refrigerator.

Feeling like I’ve got things a bit under control, I decide now would be a good time for a snack with the kids. I pop some California Dark bread into the toaster and get out the pumpkin spice cream cheese we bought. That should be festive and tasty. I call the kids down and grab a couple of bananas. I hear four feet come tromping up behind me and come to an abrupt halt. “BLUE KITCHEN!” Vika yells, “BLUE KITCHEN!!!” Crap. The toast is burning! The kids have been through this drill before and know what to do next. Vika runs to the couch, grabs a pillow and begins waving it frantically back and forth under the smoke detector. Eamon hops onto a stool and tries to climb on the counter to open the kitchen window. I take over that job for him because, really, that’s all I need right now – a trip to the ER because Eamon’s fallen to the floor and cracked his head.

Finally, the smoke clears and the kids sit down for their snack. The pumpkin spice cream cheese is a hit, and they both dance around the dining room saying that I’m a “better cook than Papa.” I smile indulgently and pat them on the head with a stern warning to never say that in front of Papa.

Step nine - (2.5 hours later) Time to take off the cheesecloth and begin basting the turkey in its own juices. This time, by some miracle, I'm able to grasp both handles of the roasting pan, and I smoothly lift the pan from the rack. I think I'm getting the hang of this! Gingerly, I remove the now charred cheesecloth, and damn me if that's not a nice looking turkey! After squeezing up the juices from the bottom of the pan and drenching the bird, I push it back in the oven and let it roast for the final, browning phase.

4:44 pm - Jeff's finally home!!! I happily relinquish the basting thingy and oven mitts to him. Now, all is right with the world.


6:20 pm - The eagle has landed! Or rather, the turkey is done! It looks a bit darker in this photo than it is in real life, so hopefully it will taste OK. Notice my skewer job between the legs. Turns out, it didn't hold so well. Maybe next time I'll staple the cavity shut. :)

Bon Appetite!