Contacting the Birth Family
As some of you may remember, in March of 2008, we successfully completed a birth family search for our kids. It was amazing to get the photos, video and info on the birth family, and I especially felt that it would be great to keep up a relationship with them as Vika and Eamon get older. And yet here it is, over a year later, and I haven't done anything. I've drafted several letters, but have not had the courage to actually send them out. I guess I'm just a bit conflicted. While the kids' Russian Babushka and Uncle seemed very pleased to see their pictures and learn how they were doing, their Russian Mama seemed mostly sad. I'm not sure how more contact would be received, and I really don't want to cause her additional pain. But then I thought that perhaps having the initial contact, with nothing else afterward might be even more painful than getting another letter and update.
So I am again making contact with the kids' Russian family. I have written a letter (which an acquaintance generously translated for me), both apologizing for the length of time since our last correspondence, and asking the family what kind of contact they would like to have in the future. I figured in this instance, it is best to follow their lead and let them set the pace. I'm also sending photos of the kids and have offered to create a DVD of videos as well (if they are interested).
Hopefully the letter will be well-received and we'll be able to maintain some kind of future relationship with the kids' Russian family. I also hope that the family is still living where they were last year and my feet dragging hasn't cost us the opportunity to regain contact.
Wish us luck.
So I am again making contact with the kids' Russian family. I have written a letter (which an acquaintance generously translated for me), both apologizing for the length of time since our last correspondence, and asking the family what kind of contact they would like to have in the future. I figured in this instance, it is best to follow their lead and let them set the pace. I'm also sending photos of the kids and have offered to create a DVD of videos as well (if they are interested).
Hopefully the letter will be well-received and we'll be able to maintain some kind of future relationship with the kids' Russian family. I also hope that the family is still living where they were last year and my feet dragging hasn't cost us the opportunity to regain contact.
Wish us luck.
I commend you for continuing birthfamily contact. It is so important. We've been exchanging letters with our kids' maternal grandmother in Russia for about 4 years now. It's not always easy, but I think it's very important. Now that we are in family therapy, the information that we've learned in the letters we've gotten has been very helpful for our kids as they work through their past.
I am also making another foray into reestablishing contact with a paternal aunt in Russia whom we heard from once (a fabulous long, informative letter) and then never again. Apparently she moved, though I think more might have been involved. I asked the kids what questions they had and filled a sheet with all of them! I'm working on finding a graceful way to ask all these questions, but I'm determined to ask them. It's hard sometimes to handle the kids' disappointment when letters come that do not answer the questions they've asked, but I try to explain that it can be difficult for their relatives to write about difficult times. Thankfully, the photographs and information we have received has been well worth it.
I went back and reread your previous posts about contact. In one of them you wrote: "For some reason, I'm not as worried about Eamon. Probably because he doesn't have any real memories of the Russian family, and does not feel connected to them." I will say that this has been very very hard for our daughter, who is in a similar situation for Eamon. She recently admitted that she is jealous of her brother who has memories of their birthfamily. She is just now getting to the point where she can actually voice her anger and sadness on this issue (and she's just about to turn 8).
I think it's a great idea to stay in touch - if the Russia family wants that. You're smart to write the letter and then "follow their lead."
You just reminded me, I have been horribly delinquent with keeping in touch with Katya's godfather. Nothing since her birthday in Feb. Yikes. I feel bad about that. It is definitely hard to keep up though with the distance and the language and cultural barriers. I think your kids will appreciate later though that you tried and I'm interested to hear what kind of response you get back.
Good luck! It is definitely hard, but I am glad we have kept up some contact, I let them dictate, sometimes it takes long for a response and yet sometimes it is quick.
I have had two phone calls as well with Alek's bmom. The first was hard and you could tell she was sad and uncomfortable, but by the end of it, we were laughing. It just takes time. I can't imagine how hard it is for them and many times my heart breaks for their pain. But they have told us how much it means to them to be able to watch them grow up even from afar.
So I wish you all the best!!