Parenting Advice Needed
I need advice regarding a problem which I was made aware of this afternoon. Vika exposed a secret about Eamon, something he is ashamed of and which we have said would stay just within the family, to her classmates at school in an effort to embarrass and bully him. Sadly it worked, and now kids at school are making fun of Eamon as well. I'm so upset with her, and extremely sad that Eamon now has to endure teasing about something which he really cannot help.
I've told Vika how people need to feel safe in a family and how she has made Eamon feel unsafe by telling his secret to kids at school. I've also told her that words can never be taken back and how disappointed I am with her for lashing out at her brother in that way. But it seems there needs to be some bigger consequence for this so that it will never occur again.
How would you deal with a situation like this? Anything you can think of that would have a lasting impact? And for the more bloodthirsty of you out there, beating her with a stick is not an option.
I've told Vika how people need to feel safe in a family and how she has made Eamon feel unsafe by telling his secret to kids at school. I've also told her that words can never be taken back and how disappointed I am with her for lashing out at her brother in that way. But it seems there needs to be some bigger consequence for this so that it will never occur again.
How would you deal with a situation like this? Anything you can think of that would have a lasting impact? And for the more bloodthirsty of you out there, beating her with a stick is not an option.
I don't know about a consequence, though I agree that something more is probably warranted. But I have an idea for a visual way to express that trust and safety you were trying to describe to her.
Cut out a big shape of a person and you can work together and write down all the best parts about being in a family. (e.g. trust, safety, security, love, etc.) Then rip the paper person into a lot of pieces. As you're ripping you can say how lying, revealing secrets, being disrepectful (etc) damages some of family. Then, give her some tape and explain that because families love each other, it can always be put back together. Let her work at putting it back together and then show her how, while the paper person is put back together, it's not as perfect as before.
I've done this exercise with Slugger and while it hasn't really modified his behavior at all, it did show him how trust needs to be cared for.
Some rambling thoughts off the top of my head - how about some form of a good old fashioned "grounding" - like taking away some privelage or toy she has for a significant period of time (enough time for it to really hit home). I would make her write Eamon a formal letter of apology....is there something she can do at school that might make things better - explain the situation, or maybe at least tell the kids that what she did was wrong and they shouldn't tease him about something he can't control?
You might also ask her what she thinks her punishment should be...you might be surprised at what she says....I'm sure you'll come up with something good, you always do....and I do really like Margarets idea of the cutout...
So far we did Maggie's idea of the cutout and it seemed to have made an impact. We hung the taped up paper person on the fridge as a reminder of how families can be broken and put back together.
Vika and Eamon also came up with the idea of Vika telling her friends at school that she just said what she did about Eamon because she wanted to be mean to him. That way there is no discussion about whether or not the secret is true, just her motivations for saying something that might be embarrassing to her brother. Eamon wants her to do it in front of him though so that he can make sure she really tried to fix the problem. We'll see if that happens.
UGH! Sibling rivalry SUCKS.
We haven't had that problem (yet), but I do get a lot of mileage (and penmanship practice) our of writing lines. "I can show love by telling the truth." is our favorite. You could modify it too, "I can show love for my family by keeping private family things private."
Then we write the date on it and have them hang it on the wall in their bedroom. If it comes up again in a set period (say a month), we do it again, with twice as many lines.
We have faced the exact same situation several times. We've had one child tell other kids at school that sibling wets bed at night (which is a private family matter) and recently we had other child tell sibling that other kids in school say mean things about sibling, even though that was not true and just made up to hurt feelings.
We've had tons of conversations about family, how would you feel if he/she did that to you, etc. We like writing lines too, though goodness only knows if any of this (but writing lines encourages penmanship and writing too, so it's a two-fer!) What seemed to make the largest impact was when we were feeling really fed up over the whole situation and we told the kids, "Look, you're always saying that you wish you had more contact with your siblings in Russia and with your birthfamily. Well, guess what - you live with birthfamily, because the two of you are siblings! So shouldn't you be treating the birthfamily you live with, with respect and love?!" That actually had a big emotional impact at the time. Best of luck. The sibling rivalry stuff totally sucks and just goes on and on in our experience, though our family therapist says that it's all normal!
There's also the karma lesson. Let her know the universe has a way of righting a wrong.
I like the solution of Vika telling her friends. It's honest, and may take the heat off Eamon.
I wonder if you and Jeff and Eamon can share something that Vika doesn't know about... It doesn't have to be something bad. Maybe plan a fun outing and only tell Eamon about it. Tell Vika you're so sorry you can't tell her what it is, but it is something that is only for your family and you can't trust her not to reveal it. Let Eamon gloat all he wants. Exchange knowing smiles across the table at dinner. Stop talking when Vika walks in the room.
(There's always the analogy that words are like toothpaste. Once their out of the tube/your mouth you can't put them back. Can you do anything with that?)
Then after the fun event, talk about how you wish Vika had been able to look forward to it with you--that shared anticipation is FUN!
Good one on Parenting Advice Needed - it helps a lot!
We clearly share similar parenting experiences and views.
I've been reading one that I'm hooked on - http://todayscliche.com/.
I have a feeling you'd get a lot out of it.
Incredible job on your blog; keep it up.
Thanks,
peter
I read this before and was going to come back when I had some great suggestion for you, but...that is a really tough one!
I'm a big fan of having the consequences make some sort of sense for the action, so that it's not just a punishment, but also an opportunity to learn from mistakes when possible. Sounds like you've already gotten some good suggestions on to that end.
P.S. Of topic, but I'm really loving your header picture.
Longtime lurker, only occasional commenter here. I really love Kate's idea of having something special for you, Jeff, and Eamon.
In addition that that, we do two things with this sort of thing at our house (also adopted biological siblings from Eastern Europe): First, the kid who did the hurting gets assigned something nice to do for the sibling. As an example, our older son recently pushed his younger brother around on the playground at school. He is making brother's bed for a month. Parents come up with the nice thing to do. Second, perpetrator of the hurt apologizes, in writing, at a time of his choosing. We actually try not to rush this, so that the apology truly reflects a lot of thinking.
These are strategies for bigger "hurts" rather than the day in, day out garden variety of normal stuff that goes on. So they don't happen all that often, but when they do this is what we do.
Good luck.
ps Didn't mean you had to exclude Vix from the fun--just from the knowing about the fun beforehand.