Pressing On
Jeff and I have been working really hard to stay on track as far as discipline goes. We've been allowing our kids to make choices and deal with the consequences, without giving them countless reminders about what is the right thing to do. They know the right thing to do. We've told them often enough! But it is really hard to bite my tongue and not say anything when Vika and Eamon don't follow through on doing what we ask. I've been in the habit of giving repeated reminders and warnings, and I get frustrated when the simplest of requests is ignored.
Adding to my frustration is the fact that things are not getting better, they're getting worse. This afternoon, for example, the kids gleefully ignored their evening chores, playing loudly upstairs to make sure I knew they were not doing as I asked. A relatively minor request to put away the chess game was met with groans, name-calling and threats (all directed at me). There seems to be a lot of anger brewing in our kids right now, and it's definitely taking it's toll. As I keep my cool and do not react with a raised voice or threats, their anger seems to get worse. Logically, I know this means that the discipline is working. They are trying to get me worked up so that they can regain control of the situation. But emotionally, it's tough. I've had this knot in my chest all week, and it is hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Some people might say I should just spank my kids and get it over with. But they have not seen Eamon cower in fear, hiding under his blankets and crying when Jeff raises his voice at Vika. They haven't heard the matter-of-fact way that Vika says the mamachkas (caregivers) at the orphanage used their shoes to beat kids who misbehaved. Spanking might produce short-term results, but at what cost?
And, lest any of you get the idea that we have "bad kids," I assure you that couldn't be farther from the truth. We have amazing kids! Kids who survived things in their first few years of life that would bring many adults to their knees. It's the survival techniques that brought them through those early years that we are dealing with now - many of them just don't work in a family. So, despite the feeling that we have taken two HUGE steps backwards, Jeff and I are pressing on. Hopefully we'll figure out soon what has caused this recent downward spiral in our kids' behavior so we can address that underlying issue as well. It's tough, but I believe the end results will be worth it.
Adding to my frustration is the fact that things are not getting better, they're getting worse. This afternoon, for example, the kids gleefully ignored their evening chores, playing loudly upstairs to make sure I knew they were not doing as I asked. A relatively minor request to put away the chess game was met with groans, name-calling and threats (all directed at me). There seems to be a lot of anger brewing in our kids right now, and it's definitely taking it's toll. As I keep my cool and do not react with a raised voice or threats, their anger seems to get worse. Logically, I know this means that the discipline is working. They are trying to get me worked up so that they can regain control of the situation. But emotionally, it's tough. I've had this knot in my chest all week, and it is hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Some people might say I should just spank my kids and get it over with. But they have not seen Eamon cower in fear, hiding under his blankets and crying when Jeff raises his voice at Vika. They haven't heard the matter-of-fact way that Vika says the mamachkas (caregivers) at the orphanage used their shoes to beat kids who misbehaved. Spanking might produce short-term results, but at what cost?
And, lest any of you get the idea that we have "bad kids," I assure you that couldn't be farther from the truth. We have amazing kids! Kids who survived things in their first few years of life that would bring many adults to their knees. It's the survival techniques that brought them through those early years that we are dealing with now - many of them just don't work in a family. So, despite the feeling that we have taken two HUGE steps backwards, Jeff and I are pressing on. Hopefully we'll figure out soon what has caused this recent downward spiral in our kids' behavior so we can address that underlying issue as well. It's tough, but I believe the end results will be worth it.
I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch, Jenni. We are, too. I don't know why our kids have to take these huge steps backward once in a while... hopefully it just means a big leap forward is in the future.
I hope so too, Maggie.
I know exactly what you mean by survival tactics! We struggle so much with this with Katya - she just can be so self-sufficient/self-centric that she has a really hard time with authority - both being dependent on someone else as well as submitting to authority. Also, she thinks that everyone - adults, kids, etc. are on a level playing field. Oh, the arguing and the sassy back-talk!!! But, it's just like you said: it worked great - this looking out for herself - in the orphanage. Not so great in a family.
If you figure out some awesome tactic to turn it around - please share!!! Meanwhile, virtual hugs to you.
We've found it's necessary to give matter-of-fact consequences and then stick with it. "Your room needs to be cleaned by lunchtime so that you can join us for lunch. The kitchen will be closing at 1:30pm." and then stick to it. Or "That wasn't a respectful tone. Go spend 5 minutes in your room to remember how to speak respectfully." It's really draining, but it does work. Don't succumb to that temptation to raise your hand or voice - that just cedes all control of the situation to them.
Our biggest issue right now is mentally separating the kids so that we don't treat them equally when they behave differently. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but what I mean is, Anton often is the one lately with big behavioral issues, which wears us down and makes us more likely to snap at BOTH kids. We can't take out our frustration at Anton also on Alina, which sometimes is really hard.
Hang in there!
You're right about them being basically really good kids. I see so much caring, consideration, thoughfullness, and love in them. The foundation you and Jeff are giving them is strong.
Good for you for sticking to your plan! I really want to use the Love and Logic technique, but I get so upset so quickly. And it's exactly what the boys are waiting for. So keep it up. They'll come around.
Hang in there. You *know* it's worth it. (But that doesn't make it easy or fun.)
hoo boy. you are doing the right thing. spanking is not the answer. it probably wont solve the issue and will just make all of you feel terrible. hang in there!!!