Four Feet More

While I may subject you to photos of my kids in the orphanage, and numerous pictures of their Mother Russia, I promise never to ambush you with an unexpected crotch shot.

Have you ever had that happen? While you’re innocently flipping through a friend’s photo album, all of a sudden, BAM! There’s a close-up of her vagina with her baby’s head crowning. Or maybe a topless photo of her breastfeeding. An image that definitely falls under the category of: "Oh…wow. I really didn’t need to see that."

My so-called-friend did that to me. She’s one of those smug jellyfish types, who’s always secretly competing with me and loves to throw out a sting when I least expect it. Such a situation occurred after the birth of her first son. She knew I had miscarried and was having trouble getting pregnant again, but still, she sent me this long e-photo album including numerous shots of her pregnant belly (in one, she was wearing nothing but a bra and yoga pants, and sitting on the floor cradling her pregnant tummy lovingly). I wanted to be a supportive friend, so I skimmed through all those pictures quickly until I got to the part where the actual baby photos should start. That’s when I was ambushed with the vagina and breast images that have forever been seared into my brain. Real nice. However, even then I wasn’t clued into the fact that this photographic onslaught was another way in which she was trying to demonstrate her superiority over me. The light bulb finally went on after she tossed out the comment, “You can’t really understand how amazing motherhood is until you’ve been pregnant and given birth.” At the time, we had not yet adopted Vika and Eamon, so I was stunned speechless. I don’t remember what I said, but I’m sure I tried to play off the hurt her comments caused. Past dealings with her had taught me that such a reaction was exactly what she was hoping for.

But now, when I think back to the comment, I actually feel sorry for her. If she truly believes what she said, then she has no idea what motherhood is all about. After adopting my kids, I learned that being a mom is not about experiencing pregnancy and birth. It’s not even about going through the newborn phase, dealing with all the late-night feedings and sleep deprivation. While those experiences are certainly a part of motherhood for many women, not experiencing those things does not make you any less of a mother. True motherhood is about the day-to-day interactions with your child. Listening to them prattle on and on about something they did at school or a game they played with a friend. Soothing them when they are hurt or sick. Giving them hugs and kisses just because you can. And having them run up to you with their arms thrown wide, overjoyed to see you after even the briefest of separations. Motherhood is all those things and more.

Knowing all this has helped me come to a place where such thoughtless comments don’t sting as much as they used to. Now I just think that it must be sad to go through life being so completely ignorant or uncaring of the feelings of those around you. It is also kind of sad that such people cannot see the specialness or value of families that may have started differently than their own.

Starfish's recent, excellent post, really hit a nerve with me, and should be required reading for everyone who interacts with women. Check it out if you have a minute. She pretty much covers everything. However, I'd like to add my $0.2 here as well.

If you know someone who is adopting, PLEASE don't ask them if they tried IVF so they could have "their own" children. My children are my own. Period.

And if the adoptive parents, like me, did not do IVF, acting as if they didn't try hard enough to get pregnant is not helpful. Knowing when to stop fertility treatments is a personal decision that will be different for everyone. Respect their decision and move on.

That's all. Thank you.