Of Lifebooks and Birth Families
In Northern California, we have a pretty strong FRUA group, but unfortunately, they are not so strong in my part of Northern California. So, in the interest of building bridges between families and all that crap, I decided to start a FRUA branch in our area. Sometimes, like the ill-fated Pumpkin Patch Trip, things don't work out so well. But other times, everything comes together nicely and we have a great turnout. Saturday was one of those times. Together with a very active FRUA Educational Coordinator, I set up a Lifebooking Seminar for families in my area. About 15 people showed up! It was great to get together, learn about lifebooking, and get some tips from a Creative Memories consultant.
However, there were two definite highlights to the day. The first was that I finally got to meet a blogger friend in real life! Stef, the beloved wife of everyone's favorite dad-in-waiting, Steve, was at the seminar. It was wonderful to finally meet her in person, although we both did feel a moment of awkwardness because, as she put it, "I feel like I've been spying on you all this time." But, we soon got over that and had a nice chat. She's a great person, and I hope to see her at future events. Maybe if I'm lucky, Steve and Baby A will attend too!
The other great thing about yesterday occurred when I was looking through another family's lifebook. On the pages about the birth family, they had actual pictures of the Russian Mama, big brother, and niece (yes, her 7 year old daughter has a niece in Russia who's about 5 years old). She also had baby pictures of her child, whom she had adopted at 4 years of age (like Vika). I was completely stunned, and more than a little envious. What a gift to have all that documentation on the birth family! God, how I wish I had baby pictures of Vika and Eamon. How did she get this information, I wondered. She replied that she had done a birth family search through a couple in St. Petersburg (who I think may be the same people Margaret told me about a while back). She not only got photos and background info, but she got a video of the birth family as well!
It all seemed so surreal. I know about Vika and Eamon's birth family, and have heard some stories of their life, but they are still shadowy figures to me. People without faces or form, whose motives I have a hard time understanding. Seeing those pictures and hearing the relinquishment and adoption stories from the birth family's perspective all of a sudden makes them seem so much more real. I would love to be able to have that info on my kids' Russian Family. It would be amazing to see their Russian Babushka, whom Vika loves so much, as well as their Russian Mama, whom Vika is supposed to be the spitting image of. Did Eamon get his fair coloring from his Russian Papa? Do they have any other siblings? All those questions might be answered.
I also think it could be an amazing gift to Vika and Eamon, to have more of a link to their past. I can see how that might backfire a bit - maybe it would be too painful for them to see? Maybe it's not a good idea to dredge up old memories of loneliness and neglect? But in the end, wouldn't the benefits far outweigh the negatives? Could doing such a search also give some kind of closure to the birth family? Maybe it would help them to know that their children are well taken care of, and that their new family honors where they come from, rather than trying to hide or ignore the family that gave them life. I'm not sure. But I am pretty sure that I want to pursue a birth family search for my kids. Hopefully it will work out well and we will get some information that will help our kids as they grow older and start to ask more questions.
Have any of you done a birth family search? If so, how did it work out for you?
*** UPDATE ***
A regular reader of my blog, who also happens to be an adult adoptee, made a very interesting point about birth family searches, which I would like to share with you all. Even though her parents always told her they would be supportive and help out if she decided to do a birth family search as an adult, when the time came where she did finally initiate the search, she said that telling her parents was one of the hardest things she has ever done. I imagine that there could be a lot of fear that maybe an adoptee's parents might feel hurt or rejected if he/she wants to find or get info on the birth family.
By initiating that search for our children, we can eliminate some of that future angst that they might feel when wanting to know more about their birth families.
However, there were two definite highlights to the day. The first was that I finally got to meet a blogger friend in real life! Stef, the beloved wife of everyone's favorite dad-in-waiting, Steve, was at the seminar. It was wonderful to finally meet her in person, although we both did feel a moment of awkwardness because, as she put it, "I feel like I've been spying on you all this time." But, we soon got over that and had a nice chat. She's a great person, and I hope to see her at future events. Maybe if I'm lucky, Steve and Baby A will attend too!
The other great thing about yesterday occurred when I was looking through another family's lifebook. On the pages about the birth family, they had actual pictures of the Russian Mama, big brother, and niece (yes, her 7 year old daughter has a niece in Russia who's about 5 years old). She also had baby pictures of her child, whom she had adopted at 4 years of age (like Vika). I was completely stunned, and more than a little envious. What a gift to have all that documentation on the birth family! God, how I wish I had baby pictures of Vika and Eamon. How did she get this information, I wondered. She replied that she had done a birth family search through a couple in St. Petersburg (who I think may be the same people Margaret told me about a while back). She not only got photos and background info, but she got a video of the birth family as well!
It all seemed so surreal. I know about Vika and Eamon's birth family, and have heard some stories of their life, but they are still shadowy figures to me. People without faces or form, whose motives I have a hard time understanding. Seeing those pictures and hearing the relinquishment and adoption stories from the birth family's perspective all of a sudden makes them seem so much more real. I would love to be able to have that info on my kids' Russian Family. It would be amazing to see their Russian Babushka, whom Vika loves so much, as well as their Russian Mama, whom Vika is supposed to be the spitting image of. Did Eamon get his fair coloring from his Russian Papa? Do they have any other siblings? All those questions might be answered.
I also think it could be an amazing gift to Vika and Eamon, to have more of a link to their past. I can see how that might backfire a bit - maybe it would be too painful for them to see? Maybe it's not a good idea to dredge up old memories of loneliness and neglect? But in the end, wouldn't the benefits far outweigh the negatives? Could doing such a search also give some kind of closure to the birth family? Maybe it would help them to know that their children are well taken care of, and that their new family honors where they come from, rather than trying to hide or ignore the family that gave them life. I'm not sure. But I am pretty sure that I want to pursue a birth family search for my kids. Hopefully it will work out well and we will get some information that will help our kids as they grow older and start to ask more questions.
Have any of you done a birth family search? If so, how did it work out for you?
*** UPDATE ***
A regular reader of my blog, who also happens to be an adult adoptee, made a very interesting point about birth family searches, which I would like to share with you all. Even though her parents always told her they would be supportive and help out if she decided to do a birth family search as an adult, when the time came where she did finally initiate the search, she said that telling her parents was one of the hardest things she has ever done. I imagine that there could be a lot of fear that maybe an adoptee's parents might feel hurt or rejected if he/she wants to find or get info on the birth family.
By initiating that search for our children, we can eliminate some of that future angst that they might feel when wanting to know more about their birth families.
I am working on doing one right now. They are sending searchers to O's region next month, so I hope it all goes well. I will EM you the link to read up on it.
We have a different situation since we got seamonkey as a baby...but if I had adopted him older, I would definitely try to get my hands on as many early memories as possible. I would imagine that he would not only wonder what he looked like as a baby, but he would know that someone cared enough about him then to take his picture.
I'm so jealous that you actually have a FRUA group in your area! (however active they may be...) Sometimes I think it would be nice to network with other adopters (besides just over the internet!) but I'm not aware of any in my immediate area.
I'm curious to see what you find out if you pursue the search. (I've mixed feelings about doing one myself -- we actually have a link in Katya's godfather, but I haven't pursued it -- yet).
I started to comment on this, but decided to send an e-mail instead. My comment was way too long.
I too have had thoughts about initiating a search, although I'm not sure what my husband would think of it. I still have mixed feelings about it.
Maybe you could just get the info without telling them and test the waters once youh ave everything. That way you can slowly gage their feelings. It would be worth it to have it if it was ever wanted or requested.
Beverly
It would be so awesome to see pictures of the kids as babies. I hope you are able to do this.
Can you share the information on how to do the search?...or a link to learn more about it?