Then Again, Maybe I Won't
I had this whole post prepared about New Year's resolutions and revelations, and staying connected to family and friends rather than taking them for granted. But reading through it again last night, it smacked a bit of bitterness. I think I'll rework it a bit before posting it here. Or maybe I won't. Maybe it will just languish with all my other draft posts which lost some of their appeal when I went to press the "Publish Post" button.
We'll see.
In other news, we received a bit of a surprise last week in the form of a message from Russia. The kids' Russian Mama sent us New Year's Cards. It wasn't much, but it was enough to let me know that she wants to keep contact with us, which was a huge relief. I was so worried that she might just ignore our last letter, which was sent nearly 6 months ago, or that future contact might be too painful for her. I was also concerned that she might have moved since I dragged my feet so long in writing to her. But now we have a current address to work with and a sign that connection with our family is not unwelcome.
I'm not sure how to respond to these cards though. They were basically holiday cards with brief notes written inside (we're having them translated), and didn't answer any of the questions I posed in my letter. I guess, rather than ask more questions, I'll just send an update on how the kids are doing with some additional pictures. Although I might sneak a little request in there for birth father pictures, if I can find a tactful way to do it. This whole thing is tricky - I desperately want information, but don't want to offend or seem too pushy. Any suggestions or input from those of you who have contact with birth families would be appreciated!
We'll see.
In other news, we received a bit of a surprise last week in the form of a message from Russia. The kids' Russian Mama sent us New Year's Cards. It wasn't much, but it was enough to let me know that she wants to keep contact with us, which was a huge relief. I was so worried that she might just ignore our last letter, which was sent nearly 6 months ago, or that future contact might be too painful for her. I was also concerned that she might have moved since I dragged my feet so long in writing to her. But now we have a current address to work with and a sign that connection with our family is not unwelcome.
I'm not sure how to respond to these cards though. They were basically holiday cards with brief notes written inside (we're having them translated), and didn't answer any of the questions I posed in my letter. I guess, rather than ask more questions, I'll just send an update on how the kids are doing with some additional pictures. Although I might sneak a little request in there for birth father pictures, if I can find a tactful way to do it. This whole thing is tricky - I desperately want information, but don't want to offend or seem too pushy. Any suggestions or input from those of you who have contact with birth families would be appreciated!
How fantastic to receive the cards! (even if they were sparse on info.)
The fact that they sent the cards was very sweet. And it would be great if you could get more photos. They gave us such a gift in Vika and Eamon.
Just keep at it. Just keep responding and asking your questions and sending photos and updates of how the kids are doing - regardless of what you get in response. Sometimes it's really really frustrating when none of the questions are answered, particularly when it's questions that your kids have, but you've just got to keep chugging along at it. Sometimes there will be breakthroughs. One time the grandmother we correspond with wrote that she only likes to write when she is in a good mood; that helped to explain to me why her letters were so infrequent. I also think that is why she almost never answers questions about our kids' siblings; the answers would be depressing.
We hit a gold mine recently when a paternal aunt responded (after a year!) to a letter of mine to say that she doesn't have time to write letters but she does use the internet. Guess what - there is a Russian version of Facebook! It's at http://vkontakte.ru/ You can click on the "English" icon and register only using English. The tricky thing is I don't think that the English search works well to find people, so you either need to be able to search in Russian or you need to know their VK ID # (the paternal aunt sent me hers). Maybe you could write and ask whether your kids' Russian mother is on vkontakte. I am now in touch with the paternal aunt in Murmansk and a paternal cousin in Moscow. The cool thing is how easy it is to exchange photos now. Our messages to each other are pretty limited because we are all using computer translation engines that can come up with some pretty comic translations, but I've gotten a TON of great family photos.
And just to reiterate: keep asking questions. Just work them into your letter the same way as if you were writing a letter to an American relation you don't see much. Write about how the kids are doing, what you have all been up to, and then ask some questions about the Russian family, just causally like you might do with an elderly aunt who has family history information that you want. Try to phrase some things like "The kids have been asking about ____" or "I know it would mean a lot to the kids to know ____" or "We were wondering if you had any photos of ______ because it would mean so much to the kids to have them". Then go onto other things and be prepared to repeat, repeat, repeat.
On a side note, I've been sending a small Christmas package to our maternal grandmother for several years now. Every year not only does she not send thanks, she usually complains about what I sent ("Why do Americans buy so many things from China? Why don't they have pride in their own country?") But she also complains if I don't write enough and she has written to say that knowing that our kids are doing well is her "only joy" in life. So I keep on writing and try to laugh at the idiosyncrasies!